SME

Fans of Macdonald's breakfasts would know the agony of ordering the best meal on the breakfast menu: a Sausage McMuffin with egg meal.

For one, your tongue has no business twisting around seven syllables first thing in the morning. And if you take your time mouthing the words, chances are by the time you said "A sausage... McMuffin..." the cashier would have registered your order as a Sausage mcMuffin meal, which god knows is the worst meal on the menu, and woe be on you to try to retract that order.

The Macdonald's staff however have a way around that particular problem. They never had to shout across the restaurant first thing in the morning, "A sausage McMuffin with egg meal!", "Another sausage McMuffin with egg meal!", "Yet another sausage McMuffin with egg meal goddammit!" If they had, it would be obvious that god wouldn't patron Macdonald's very often. As it is, they shout this instead, "One SME, please!", "Another SME!" Or they would if the latest electronic ordering system had not been put in place, which is a stupid idea anyway--there is nothing like listening to the staff shouting one SME, two SMEs first thing in the morning.

The funny thing is, I had never dared to place that order instead. I know if I did, the Macdonalds staff would go "Huh? What SME? SMRT is to the left of Jurong Point. Please refer to the menu and place your order accordingly." Or they would if they had a Bachelor's degree in English at Cambridge. They would probably just go "Huh?" and look blankly at me. Then I would have to explain that I actually wanted "a Sausage McMuffin with egg meal", whereupon they would nod and shout across the restauarant "one SME, please!"

It is like a special code word, something that is unique to the Macdonald's staff. Coming from a patron, it wouldn't make any sense, but it would if it were coming from another Macdonald's staff. It is like if you were riding on one of the SMRT trains, and an aunty, who moments ago had mulishly squeezed in through the train doors just as it was opening, turned to you and said, "Do you have Being? " You would go "Huh?", or think that she is asking if you are a Beng, even though it is perfectly clear English and even though half of the Philosophy department would agree that it is perfectly non-rubbish.

So it is with a kind of philosophical respect that I avoid using "SME" with the Macdonald's staff. Let them have their own special way of speaking I'd say; if the Continentals can do it, why not them?

There is however, one particular thing which I am wondering at. I mentioned earlier that the Sausage McMuffin meal is the worst on the menu. Which is rather a pity, because I have never seen anyone ordering it. Why is it a pity however?

Well the reason is rather simple. Suppose one had said "One Sausage McMuffin meal, please." What then would the Macdonald's staff shout across the restaurant?

"One SM, please!"

Gladly, around the back, please.