Worth

The whole world can be divided into a few major groups of people:

Firstly, about 78% of the people lead their lives without wondering if their lives are worth living;

about 21% of the people thought about it, but assume that their lives are generally worth living;

0.9% of the people know that it is hard to justify the worth of their lives, but think that they have found the reasons where most people have failed;

0.1% thinks that all the above people are in denial.

p.s. I made the statistics up by the way.

It's raining

The weather is fabulous today; bathing in the morning almost feels like suicide, even with the heater on, but it is a daily ritual that cannot be missed. As I'm sitting in front of my laptop, beside the windows which are thrown wide open to admit the unfettered wind blowing all the way from the sea, nearly freezing my fingers off as I play my games, I wondered about the beautiful cold, and the horrific floods that it must be causing elsewhere.

Completely unreasonable criteria

Having personally survey 600 females, I have come up with a list of surprisingly UNREASONABLE criteria for what they are expecting of their future husbands/boyfriends to conform to. Here are some of the core criteria they cited:

1. Must be witty.
2. Must be sensitive, but not overly sensitive.
3. Must be loving, but not clingy.

and PREFERABLY to be:

4. Smart. (though this has the air of a paradox--which smart man would accept these criteria?)
5. Good looking.
6. Don't have to be rich, but must be able to at least afford 2 cars, and a condo.
7. Able to cook, and not expect her to cook.
8. Able to do household chores, and not expect her to do.
9. Able to tend the kids.
10. Able to feed the baby.
11. Bear babies, but if not possible, then swear to be her slave for the rest of his life.
12. Able to go shopping without complaining. (and pay up without too)
13. Leave the toilet seat down.

In the face of such unreasonable criteria, I was thinking to myself, heck, why not come up with our own list of unreasonable criteria for women, to even things out. So after thinking about this for 20years, 4months, 4 days and 7hours, I've finally come up with a list of criteria that most men would hope the females will meet, yet would probably never happen. So here's the list of Completely Unreasonable criteria for women:

1. Must be reasonable, which includes not having unreasonable criteria for men. (completely impossible to ask this of women, which is also why it is at the top of the list)

2. Must be smart. (having a bit of intelligence helps them in being more reasonable, if only slightly)

3. Shouldn't be too thin. (contrary to popular belief, skin and bones don't look nice, but women never listens. They just keep complaining about how fat they look, and feel happy secretly when you disagree with them.)

4. Having some character is good, but not too stubborn. (for women, having character is logically equivalent to being very stubborn, hence we may be asking for a logical impossibility).

5. Not too volatile.

6. Don't talk incessantly. (might as well shoot them, than to ask this of them.)

7. Don't expect men to talk much. (You can't understand why men don't like to talk, we can't understand why you like to talk.)

8. Have to be a gamer. (if they can expect men to go shopping, I don't see why we can't expect them to be gamers.)

9. Leave the toilet seat up.

a biological explanation

It is hard to forget someone because:

after so many years of thinking about the particular person, countless neural connections has been made,

particular neurons are more susceptible to activation when exposed to neurotransmitters emitted by neighbouring neurons,

which in turn are activated by sensory inputs from the environment, like a rose or a piece of melody;

and long term association by the mind, when exposed to such poignant environmental stimuli,

coupled with the current activation of certain fond memories of a certain person (which was probably all the time),

led the brain to form neural pathways, hardwired by the ease of certain activation of neurons by certain stimuli,

like a memory node, the crossroads of all thoughts,

thus she is unforgettable.

But time will cause all to fade,

as old neural pathways are replaced by new, old neurons dying off and replaced by new,

shifting the center from one to another;

Unless, that is, of course, you are still thinking of her.

Wish

If I have one wish, just one wish, and I can wish for anything at all, I wouldn't wish for the world riches, nor excelling at what I do, nor having a particular girl falling in love with me, not even everlasting life, and also not possessing all the knowledge in the world, even if they are each attractive choice in their own rights.

If I have just one wish, I wish that my spinal bone is normal.

Ramblings

Staying home these days to rush marking my students’ essays and write my own essay for ISM. I’ve finished marking, but not done on the ISM, though it is technically done. Still needs lots of ironing.

Went to the nearby hawker to have lunch just now. The chicken rice uncle asked me if I am Singaporean, and looked surprised when I said yes. Don’t I look Singaporean? At most, I might have some Malay blood in my veins, but still that should make me look Singaporean no? What do you think?

On my way home, at the void deck, I saw some clothes draped on the stone seats. One is a men’s jeans, another is distinctly a women’s blouse. I looked around for some signs of the woman who might have doffed it, but couldn’t find any, to my utter disappointment. That would have been… interesting, to say the least.

Ok, back to my essay.

Orange belt!

I got a double promotion for Karate, meaning instead of being promoted to 8th kyu after the recent grading, I am promoted straight to 7th Kyu. Still orange belt, but with 2 stripes instead of 3. Woohoo.

Usually a double promotion is awarded only to people who performed exceedingly well during the grading. But this time round, there are a lot of double promotions being awarded. Mine is not that rare after all. Still, it is worth rejoicing over.

Heeeyaaahhh!!

Exercise

Last week was the single most hectic week of my life (Hmm, maybe minus army Sispec time).

Monday I went jogging, think 3km.
Tuesday Karate.
Wednesday swimming. I swam more for the tan, but I did swim more than I ever did before, around 10laps =p.
Thursday Karate again.
Friday gym.
Saturday Karate again.

By the end of the Karate on Saturday, I was totally exhausted, and it wasn't even a particularly tough session. But Karate grading is coming, and so, orange belt here I come!

What about work you ask? It's not bad la. Generally I set my own pace, so I'm reading for my ISM at a snail's pace. And teaching doesn't really take up all the time, since I got only one class. A bit worried about the essay I have to write for the ISM however, since I don't even remember when it is due, and a bit worried about my Masters thesis, if I want to apply early for the overseas Phd, I better start doing the thesis soon.

Bite 'em bullets!

If I were Neo in the Matrix, I wouldn't dodge all the bullets like he did; I would bite every single one of them.

Pictures

Always when we find a piece of scenery truly breathtaking, beautiful beyond words, we seek to capture it with a snap of our camera. But not before we interpose ourselves, or with a whole group of people, between the camera and the scenery, obscuring part, if not most, of the truly magnificent scene of Nature that we wanted to capture in the entirety in the first place.

Left or right brain?

Try it. I am right brain it seems, though I can see it both ways.

http://www.news.com.au/perthnow/story/0,21598,22492511-5005375,00.html?from=mostpop

Life

Wake up! There's no afterlife!
This is all you have.

something

Holding my arms out to the side,
balancing to life
stepping to the music of heartbeat.

A fleeting feeling,
a memory of it.
Gray.

An urgency
towards nothing.

Movies

Movies that I want to watch, but have no time for, and no one to watch with:

Resident Evil: Extinction
Shoot 'em up
Balls of Fury
Mr Woodcock

IF I do manage to watch all of them, I would be broke too, so that's another reason why I haven't been able to.

Carpe diem

I understood immediately when Redherring announced in the graduate room that he needed something more; I feel pretty much the same way. It was precisely the reason why I have taken up Karate, something to occupy my time other than endless gaming and sleeping.

Now, my life is, as anyone would affirm from a third-person viewpoint, constructively worthwhile: I run every Monday and Thursday, go for Karate every Tuesday and Friday, do my readings conscientiously on Wednesdays and on the weekends, game minimally, spend my free-time reading leisure books, wake up early enough each day to catch the morning rays, and sleep with the cool night breeze.

Yet, I feel bored. I may not have a lot time on my hands to actually feel much boredom, but the few hours that I do have, I feel it all too acutely. It is not as though I am bored with Karate or doing Philosophy, and the reason I was doing them in the first place is not to lose myself in them anyway; I still love doing what I have been doing, a lot. It is just that, it seems that I should have something more.

What more I could have, I don't really know. I don't have time for anything more as it is, caught between the limited number of hours in a day and physical fatigue from all the exercise.

I don't know what could possibly be that "something more" either. It is not as if being in a relationship right now will fill up that sense of inadequacy, neither would finding some new activity do the trick. I thought of taking up archery, or going for more trekking, but that seems to me just more activities to pass the time; I would enjoy them, for sure, but I don't think either would give me a sense of being "filled".

Passing the time, in anticipation of what? It seems that the whole of human life is just that--passing the time in wait of something we don't really know. Perhaps we are all passing the time before we die. That seems to be the only thing in common for all mankind. We dig our heads into the soil, pretending to be busily caught up with what we are doing at the moment, pretending we did not see the inevitable end of the road. Carpe diem; seize the day, for there certainly is no future.

Maybe what I need is a sense of purpose. Not a purpose, mind, but a sense of purpose. For what can a purpose do? Suppose I have the purpose to save the world, what would that amount to? The world has to be worth saving in the first place. And I have to identify with the purpose; it is no good to tell me that God has dictated that I have to save the world someday; I would just be an unwillingly worker dragged along to save the world if I can't identify with the purpose at all.

And if God dictate that my purpose in life is to be food for some tiger? I can't identify with that anymore than I can identify with a purpose to be a social benefit, not unless I have the particular sense of purpose already.

Well maybe I should have a sense of purpose to be a social benefit, or at least, I should cultivate this sense of purpose. I don't see why, but mostly, I don't see how I can go about doing so. Either I have it, or I don't. Moreover, I don't see how being a social benefit would fill up my life, in the sense that it would motivate me positively.

Some would say, well yea, it is more important that you be a social benefit than how you feel; in other words, I should place priority in making myself useful than making myself happy.

I don't know, that seems to me to be straying from my original intent in making this post: I am not talking about what ought to motivate me, but merely making an observation, and a long-winded complaint, that nothing motivates me much.

Maybe I should take up social service, regardless if that makes me happy or not, but that seems to be a digression on the issue that I am bored. Taking up social service may be good, I may even consider it, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I am bored, and we are back to square one again.

It would be interesting if the Cataclysm happens any time soon.

Robert Jordan

Robert Jordan, author of The Wheel of Time series, one of my favorite fantasy series, passed away on 16 Sept 2007 (US time I think).

We mourn the passing of a brilliant writer.

chance

We drift
like dandelion seeds,
under a huge expanse of infinite sky;
Alone
as far as the eye can see.

sign

On a sign en route to the Judgment Day hearing:

Philosophers, this way ==>
<== Everyone else, this way.

Below, someone scribbled: How do you define "philosophers"?

Even below: You go this way, id**t. ==>

(If there is a Judgment day, and Judgments handing out to everyone, somehow I think that philosophers will take the longest time of all in accepting the verdict, insisting on the definition of every term used in the Judgment, debating about how the Judgment can be true, debating about if the Judgment is really true, maybe even debating if it is logically possible to be standing there receiving Judgment, regardless if the Judgment had been passed in their favor.)

Is Chivalry dead?

I heard this question over the radio today, as the DJ was polling people about it. The responses varied, some saying "yes, but women killed it," some saying simply "yes". Others have more reasons backing up their emphatic yeses, but because the sun is shining outside, the birds are chirping, the grass is cutting themselves, and the thoughts cluttering my head, I couldn't hear them beyond a few words. Some guy replied that it is not dead, because he is still practicing it. Others sneered. Mostly women.

I don't think chivalry is dead; myself, I hold the doors for women all the time, strangers or not, offer a helping hand whenever I saw the fairer sex burdened, holding out an umbrella when it's raining, and pull chairs for them (though none, so far, sat in the proffered chairs). I don't do these for men; being more likely to slam the door in their faces than not. Just kidding. But less likely to hold doors for men overall.

But I think, chivalry should be dead.

At the very least, it should be if equality of the sexes is the priority. These days, women fight for equality at every turn, and grumble if the door wasn't held out for them. This is not saying that I'm against equality, nor saying there is equality already. Progress has been made, but equality in the workplace is perhaps not perfect yet.

But if you expect equality, don't expect chivalry. We have to start somewhere, why not start at the simple things like opening your own door, and holding your own bags? Why, the thing that runs through a woman's mind when men offer a helping hand might just be "You think I can't even open a door myself? Looking down on us again?" We'd never know what women think, and if we are going to step on toes anyway, why not just step on one set of toes and open our own door. Easier for us that way.

Besides, half the time, no, probably more than half the time, when I open a door for a woman, she would just sweep pass me without even looking at me, all the while looking like she owned the place, and I the doorman. No thanks from the queen either.

Nothing pays, chivalry least of all.

Couple that with the next poll taken at the same radio station, this one on whether women like bad boys. Surprisingly, all the women who called in replied that they do. Not so surprising perhaps if my friend's case is any gauge: he never opened any door for any girl, and his girlfriend-who-back-then-wasn't-his girlfriend-yet, would stare incredulously at his back while I hold the door open for her. Yet we know, even at that time, that she was smitten with him.

Not being chivalrous adds to the charm I learnt. What are your views?

Before they found Neo

In his left hand, Morpheus shows a blue pill. Morpheus said: "You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. (a red pill is shown in his other hand) You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes." Then he placed the pills on the table in front of him.

Neon looked at the pills, clearly undecided. "You are saying," Neon began, "that if I take the pill on the right, you will show me the truth of the Matrix..."

"Right", said Morpheus.

"...and I will wake up as though nothing happened if I take the left pill."

"Right."

"Now it's the right pill?" probed Neon.

"Wait, what? No, I mean it's correct. It's the left pill."

"So if I take the blue pill, I will know the truth of the matter?" Neon asked again.

"No no, if you take the blue pill, you will wake up tomorrow as though nothing happened. Oh wait, I see. Your right is my left, my left is your right."

Neon paused a while. "So I take the red pill on the left,"

"Right. I mean, correct." said Morpheus.

"...I will know the truth of the Matrix..."

"Right," said Morpheus again. Neon nods slowly.

"...but if I take the blue pill on the left..."

"No, the blue pill is on the right," interjected Morpheus.

"...I will wake up tomorrow as though nothing happened."

"Yes."

"Blue pill for truth..."

"No, red!"

"Okay, red pill for not waking up tomorrow?"

"No no! It's for waking up tomorrow as though nothing happened, not for not waking up."

"So the red pill is for waking up tomorrow?"

"Yes! Argh, I mean, No! Blue pill is for not waking up tomorrow!"

"So it's like a sleeping pill?"

"What?"

"The red pill is. Right?"

"No! No wait, left... right. Oh yes, you are correct, it's your right."

Neon sat up suddenly, a decisive light shining in his eyes. "Right, I want the right pill." And suiting his words, he reached for it.

"Wait. Stop." Morpheus began, his voice rising in his haste. "Are you sure you got it correct? Wait..... no... wait! Aww fu*k!"

Food

Suddenly have the craving for MeeHun Kuay at the Jurong West market, and for a Subway sandwich, tuckey slices with mustard sauce and olives. The latter, I know where to get, but the former, is probably beyond my reach. Just like the prawn noodles stall at BoonLay I have enjoyed when I was really young; both stalls are gone now, moved to goodness knows where.

I can almost imagine the thick and aromatic smell of the prawn noodles soup--almost imagine because that's all I remember of it; it's been so long that it is impossible for me to "almost smell" it, only "almost imagine" it. I can still almost taste the Meehun Kuay at the Jurong West market however, since it's just been a year since I had a bowl.

Which reminds me of a bowl of meepok I had many years back, at dunno where. It was really spicy, but it was so good that even the spiciness seems essential to the taste. I've only eaten it once, but the memory of it remained with me so far. I doubt I'll ever get to eat it again, since I have forgotten where it was located. Besides, the stall owner was an old man, and no one lasts forever.

Then there was the roti prata, with its incredibly strong curry, spicy yet not overpowering, and the crispy prata itself. I had that once only too, but the stall is still there i think. I don't remember where it is either, but I know I had it at a drive-around supper thingy with my friends--they will know where if I ask.

I wonder, though, if these food would be so special if they weren't so out of my reach now.

a prayer

"Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen.

Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer. Amen."

-Mostly Harmless, Douglas Adams

Darkest day of my life.

08/07/2007 was my day of Commencement.

09/07/2007 was the day I went partially blind. Specifically, in my left eye.

it started on the day of commencement. Because I was wearing contacts, and it has been a long day, my eye started drying I guess. when I reached home to remove the contacts, my eyes were pretty tired and dreid already. and when I removed it, I accidentally ripped my cornea, I ddint know that at first of cos. I just started having blurry vision in my left eye. Played a bit of games before I went to bed.

In the middle of the night, my eye started to hurt. At first its just like something got into my eye. But around 3am, the pain was realy terrbile. by 5am, the pain was unbearable. I was rushed to NUH by my family.

along the way, the pain was so bad that seriously, death would have been a much better relief. Or just to have my eye dug out. I was having my eyes closed, but even if i opened my eyes, it still hurt the same. and it hurts worse whenever my eye moved. which happen all the time, responding to some physical stimuli, or sound. I couldnt open the right eye, for the eye-eye coordination will make the left eye move under the eyelids, and thats when I feel like dying.

At nuh, the doctor dripped some instant relief eye drops into my eyes, and I was thus relievd of the unbearable pain for sometime. my vision was still blurry, abd my left eye still felt swollen. I was given medicine, and told that it would recover in 48hrs time most probably. When I left the hospital, the pain resumed, the eyedrops effects wearing off. Oral painkillers did not work at all.

All the way till 10am, I was hurting like crazy, and the left eye constantly weeping, which added to the pain. I was given a small vial of instant pain relief, but it contained only like 5 drops, and each drop could only relieve the pain for 5mins before the tears wash it off and the pain resuming.

Now its better, after spending 1 whole day being blinded, and attempting to sleep with the pain. All sorts of information went through my mind when I was blind. Like how sleeping will land you in the REM sleep approx 1-4hrs after you fell asleep. REM which stands for rapid eye movemenet will virtually guarantee that any relief I can get from sleeping will be worsen, and disturbed by the REM cycle. I thought of the ethics class, which talked about pain so unbearable, that it is an assault to the dignity of human life to be allowed to be continued. I thought of things I cant recall now. I thought of people, most of them images from the previous day Commencement. I thought of what I would do if I went blind, what I should do. Of Braille. I thought of some people, I didnt think of some people.

One thing for sure, I wont be wearing contacts again for the rest of my life.

p.s. I was typing most of this post with my eyes closed. So pardon any mistakes. and the vanity of being able to do so.

A simple puzzle

Eight buttons are arranged in a single column. From the top they read

1. Statements on pressed buttons are false; statements on unpressed buttons are true.
2. Exactly one button adjacent to this one is pressed.
3. No two adjacent buttons are pressed.
4. The sum of pressed buttons is not prime.
5. More than half the buttons are pressed.
6. The order of button numbers is reversed (but not the statements).
7. Less than two odd buttons are pressed.
8. The number of pressed buttons is odd.

Which button numbers do you press?

The hell it is a simple puzzle. I still can't solve it as of now. Been trying for an hour and counting. Whoever can solve it, tell me. Guys I'll kill, girls I'll marry.

Love

Then Love said to Eros
For we are not you,
nor you us.
Hatred and anger
gives us strength,
just as kind words
and understanding do.
The Joy
and Exhilaration,
the Fear
and Disappointment,
like a roller coaster
its ups and downs
Equally essential.
We are not infinite
Happiness and comfort;
a jolt of pain,
a touch of
unpredictability.
Maybe even more hurt
than joy.
When some of these
Conflicting
emotions arise,
we exist.
For We are just a name
mankind has given Us
for these
jumble
of confused emotions.

The Exciting Life

I was playing games when this happened. Specifically, I was trying to kill a boss monster with the help of several similar level players and my cyber friend, which is damn difficult to kill (the boss, not my friend; we die too easily in fact), and we had spent like 1hr already trying to kill it with no avail.

Then my phone rang.

It was around 5pm, not one of those stormy weather nights with lightnings flashing and thunder crashing, nor is it the particularly eerie kind that rang in the middle of the night just after you have done the unspeakables and feeling damn guilty about it, since it was, after all, not in the middle of the night. In fact, it was a rather cheery evening, and the TV set blaring outside my room where my mum and dad were watching it, as though it may run away without their constant vigilance. In any case, my phone rang, and it is a rather normal, non-eerie, mundane sort of ringing (other than the fact that I am using a song as my ring tone instead of the standard ring-ring, but the song doesn't make it eerie, or non-mundane either).

It rang. And hung up immediately. Which is equivalent to my phone vibrating for a second without even the melody starting up.

An instant later, a sms came through.

Hi

What? Hi? Who's that? My first thought was it is a wrong number, since I don't recognise it; the person was probably trying to apologise for dialing the wrong number a second ago.

Well not really, my first thought was "Damn! This stupid boss is insanely hard to kill, damn these game-makers, and who's this person anyway?" But this doesn't convey the sense of mystery I was trying to bring across, so I lied.

2mins later, another sms came through.

Hi can I know u.

Woa what? Who's this? Alarm bells started going off. I have a stalker?! Secret admirer? Naturally I have many of them, but this is the first time any of them made a move. How did she get my number? IS it a "she" at all? Does she knows who I am, or is she just randomly dialing a number to harass? (I prefer to think it as a "she"; "he" is just too ewwwww to contemplate.)

Because I am a very busy person, with bosses to slay and girls to date in my all too precious free time, I didn't reply the sms. Neither did I want to reply it, since it may after all, be just some harassing tricks. So I left it alone, and probably, it would find some other handsome guy to harass.

And that will be the end of the affair. Just let it die down quietly, and no one will be hurt. I am a very gentle person, you've noticed. If you didn't, I'm telling you now, and you should take my word for it.

But that's not the end. Today, when I am commuting from NUS back home in a bus, my phone rang again. Because I am in a bus, and I am talking to Ms Ziyi, I am in the kind of psychological mood that doesn't really suspect anything, and I just pick up the phone without thinking, since it was ringing rather persistently.

On the other end of the phone, I heard some light breathing sounds, but no one was speaking.

I went "hallo hallo?" and suddenly the call hung up.

Alarm bells went off again, and I hurriedly checked the caller ID. It was the same caller last evening!

Who is this mysterious caller? What did the person just achieved by calling? Why did she hang up? The leading detectives at the scene immediately came up with 3 theories to answer these tricky questions (there was in fact, just 1 leading detective at the scene, namely me. Ms Ziyi might qualify as a sidekick though.)

Theory 1: The mysterious caller is in fact, a man, who hung up upon hearing my voice, which showed him that I am not a female. This is premised on the assumption that the caller initially dialed my number randomly, without knowing who or what gender I am.

Theory 2: The mysterious caller is a female, a secret admirer, who freaked out upon hearing my sexy voice, hence hanging up on me. Possibility very high, when we factor in the indubitable effect my voice have on people. (Theory 2 is postulated by my untrustworthy sidekick, Ms Ziyi, but is actually rather plausible. Some promotion may be in order here if she proves to be right.)

Theory 3: Some jerks have written my number on the seat at the back of some bus, or on some toilet door, stating "CALL THIS NUMBER 9***-**** for ***."

More to come... if the calls and smses continue.

trekking in Stong (Kelantan)

Yo all, just back from trekking. Technically, not really JUST back, since I was busy playing games the past 3 days, but anyhow. Here are some photos.



Before the trek.



in the train. Bumpy ride.



at the train station. It's nothing much actually, just a small outpost.



Some of my group members at the coffee shop near the train station.



In the van, towards the caves. They are 3 of the 6members in our group.



Cave. The other photos are blurry.



Like this.



A shaft of sunlight from a natural window in the cave. That's me in the photo btw.



One of the many trees along the way. If you have been to many treks, you know that all the photos of the actual trek all look indistinguishable from each other. Just trees.



Finally the summit. One of the lousiest summit I have ever climbed. No scenery whatsoever. The sign reads 1,399m (4664Feet). That makes it a mountain, possibly the highest I ever scaled.



This is NOT taken at the summit. It is at the basecamp. Great scenery though. I think the "base" camp is around 1000 feet high.



Abseiling from the waterfall. Unfortunately, that wasn't me in the photo. I dunno who it is either. I didnt abseil though, cos I pulled a thigh muscle during the trek up, so I didnt think I am fit to abseil down.



scenery from the base camp during the day. cf. the photo earlier of the clouds.

Ok that's it.

Blemishes

The world isn't perfect,
Nor will it ever be.

love

Love, without it we are merely existing;
with it, we are more than alive;
Losing it is to be worse than dead.

updates

Lately, I have been going for Karate classes twice a week. It was really fun, and the training invigorating. But my slipped discs are giving me problems. I may need to see a physiotherapist soon.

Will be going trekking in Stong, Kelantan from 29th May to 2nd June. Couldn't find anyone to go with me, so well, I had to go with a group of strangers. This will not be the first time I trek with a group of unfamiliar faces anyway.

Couldn't really find a good overseas Masters program. The only school with deadline still open is University of Melbourne (May 31), and it may not be the best school catering to my interests. Hope I don't have to stay in singapore.

Anyone has any temp job for me?

Freeeeeeeee

Woot, last paper was over. I am now... er... unofficially graduated already, if the darn ceremony is supposed to be the official thingy. If I get perfect score this sem, I might get first class, if not, second upper is cool too.

Stuff to do this...er... holidays(?):

1. learn karate.
2. learn driving.
3. learn Diving
4. learn fishing
5. go trekking
6. buy lots of stuff
7. buy/read lots of books
8. earn some money
9. search for masters opportunities overseas.
10. see how to publish my thesis in some journal.
11. oh ya, get my damn laptop repaired. the "Q" and the "1" key broke down, even though I only have this laptop for 2months.


Ya, thats right, I may not be doing Masters here, for some reason. So I hope to find some overseas Masters, hopefully Australia (then I can bunk in freeeeee with dom. hehee. ) Still, I may be doing Masters here, if I couldnt find any good opportunities overseas. Pray huh? (I wonder which you will be praying for though, to stay or not to stay? hahahaaa)

doggie Bramble

Got Bramble from Yeek's website. wahahaa, I've always wanted a dog, so a dog it is. Help me feed it from time to time. Must drop the biscuit from above, or put it directly into its mouth, else it won't leave the pointer. If you click on the More button, there is even a ball which you can use to play with Bramble. If you want a pet, and need help with the html, can ask me AFTER the exams. heh

Heheee... got another pet. A bat, so I named it Nagel =p Click on it to let it fly around. Give it some flies from time to time. If you want to let it sleep, click on the stone ceiling. woot.

Sounds of the babies

I really liked this old post, so I am reposting it. Turned out that my predictions were really accurate (I was 21 when I posted this).

gals at their birthdays:

1st day:
everyone look at me!!

3rd birthday:
am i pretty?

4th:
hey its my birthday today!

9th:
i want to grow up, taller!! prettier!!

12th:
approaching... btw, anyone noticed its my birthday?

16th:
i am young and vibrant!!

17th:
ONE MORE YEAR TO GO!! on second thoughts...

18th:
Is it here already?! the prime age!! oh god... i am getting old.

19th:
well, i am still 18.

21st:
young AND mature!! and woe betide the next guy who says otherwise.

22nd:
its quite fine with me if most ppl forgot its my bday today actually.

23rd:
sigh...

25th:
guess its time to get married... before the wrinkles set in.

27th:
its the kids!!

30th:
i'll silenced anyone who knows my REAL age.

34th:
i think the guy who said i looked 21 really meant it!!



boys at their birthdays:

1st day:
i cry, therefore i am.

4th birthday:
think i'll beat that punk at sch today, since it's MY day.

5th:
better not try that this year.

7th:
woa... i want those muscles.

12th:
when do i get them? the gals are slipping away already!!

17th:
no one remembers my birthday... oh well, WE guys are not supposed to complain about that.

18th:
crap... the gals are supposed to be at their best age. they are already acting like they are older than us. i dun even notice any difference in them.

21st:
NOW its my turn... muahahaa.. watch and weep!!!

22nd:
still single.

24th:
hey, are the gals getting prettier, or are my expectations lowering?

28th:
still feel the same... IC says otherwise. exercise exercise!!

31st:
oh boy... i am 31st? is that supposed to be old or prime?

35th:
the kid called me uncle?!!

40th:
that kid greeted me today, nice boy.

epitaph

Herein lies a number of my chess pieces, lost as of this date, perhaps irretrievably:

2 black
3 white

Fantasy

He surveys the scene before him. He seems to be in an enclosed room, devoid of any furnishings; even the walls are drab gray. The room is huge, roughly circular in shape, though the walls run straight and meet each other at large angles. There is no apparent light source but there is light in the room, enabling him to see. It seems slightly pale, as though the light is filtered through some badly scratched glass, bringing no cheer with it.

There are a number of doors in the walls, all shut now, the shape of the room making them hard to count exactly how many they are. A host of creatures had tried to come through some of these doors, previously opened, and he has no idea how long he fought before finally driving all of them out and closing the doors once again after them. The room looks like a battlefield now, with spots of red scattered amidst the thick dust on the floor, and scuffles of footprints everywhere, the air slightly cloying--sweet perhaps from the blood. The man pants slightly, adding drops of sweat to the dirt on the floor.

Crossing the room in huge steps, he hurries to lock the doors with a set of keys he has with him, all save one. He pauses at the last one and examines it. The doors are slightly translucent, all fashioned in such a way that they can only be be opened from within. Curiosity had led him to open some of the doors previously, leading to the unexpected struggles that ended just minutes ago. He can still see some of the creatures milling outside the room through the translucent material of the doors. After a moment, he decides that he need not lock this particular door: nothing could come through this door anyway, he reflects wryly.

He returns to the center of the room, as far away from the doors as he could tell, trying to catch his breath. Soon, he knows all too well, boredom will lead him to open one of the doors again. Such is the curse of this stone prison.

Let's work our brains a bit

Betrand Russell came up with this paradox (in my own words):

In a town, a barber shaves all and only those who don't shave themselves.

Is there anything wrong with this scenario? Sounds rather normal actually, doesn't it? Well, let us ask, however, if the barber shaves himself. Suppose that he does. It certainly makes sense to say the barber shaves himself, since he saves money that way without having to go to another barber.

But, wait a minute. So the barber shaves himself? Yet it is said that the barber shaves all and only those who don't shave themselves! If the barber shaves himself, he doesn't qualify under the set of people who don't shave themselves. So the barber can't shave himself!

Alright, not a problem. We'll just restrain the barber from shaving himself, on pains of committing a paradox. So the barber doesn't shave himself.

But wait again! Did you just say that the barber doesn't shave himself? Well then, he qualifies now under the set of people who don't shave themselves! And according to what is stated, he has to shave himself, since he shaves all and only those people who don't shave themselves, which includes himself!

But if he shaves himself, then he cannot shave himself.

If he cannot shave himself, then he has to shave himself.

A paradox! So does the damn barber shaves himself or not?!
Well, simple. This barber doesn't exist. He is a walking paradox. There is no trick in this analysis, other than being vague to leave out the technicalities. Some food for thought huh?

Such is life

We complain about life,
yet we spent countless afternoons waiting for evenings to come,
whiling our mornings away in bed just cause there is nothing else to do
fretting over what other people think and say about you
and worrying about what people do not say about you
counting the years past and estimating the years ahead, mourning the shortness of life
mulling about who loves you and who to love
engage in activities that we don't seem to like, but seem right to do
considering our emotions, some of which coming from being unable to fathom our emotions
looking at the clock so that we can safely say the day is past and time for sleep
playing rpg while life plays you as rpg
Then at the end of it, we say, as a matter of custom
that life is too short;
whilst in the meantime, life is meaningless.

I need more.
So much more, that I don't have to consider what life is.

how special?

We don't seem to need to love any particular someone,
but simply need to love... someone.

One and only.
Specialness seems the effect, not the cause.

future house

I did a bit of room cleaning today, and was totally shagged out after that. Which prompted me to fantasize about the future house I want to have.

Firstly, I want a room dedicated to my hobbies: bridge, calligraphy and weiqi/Go. I want a corner for my chess set, together with a chess table. Somewhat near to it will be a small table for my poker cards for bridge, together with my bridge books. At the other corner, I need a table where I can write my calligraphy. The whole room will have a wooden floor, and no windows to minimize distractions; the room has to be sound proof as well, and of course, air-conned. Minimalist style.

Then I want another room for my books. There will be hundreds, thousands of book, philosophy and otherwise, all lined up in bookshelves which will decorate the room like a library. There will be a few chairs littered around the room; a bean couch here, a reclining chair there, and a full back armchair somewhere. Carpeted, and no windows too. I don't want the dust getting in.

There has to be a study room, with a sturdy wooden table for work desk, and my laptop on it. (It has to be a laptop, since I want to bring it all around the house.) A small bookshelf beside the table, where I can put the books I am currently reading/working on. Carpeted too, but with windows, shut tight with air-conditioning on. The window has to face somewhere nice, preferably some natural scenery like a far off woods. Need blinds so I can draw them at night, to ensure no monsters/homicidal maniac/ghosts will be peeping in. This room will be more decorated than the minimalist style the other two rooms have, so that I can entertain friends in here. Scatter a few chairs and sofa around, like an office.

Then if I have a underground room, I'll call it a cellar, and stick my wine collection in it. I don't particularly like wine, nor do I have any wine collection as of now, but it sure is cool to have a wine cellar. In any case, the more I collect, the less wine there will be out there circulating; I'm doing the world a favor that way.

Bedroom too, but I have no strong opinions on decoration here. Maybe a traditional japanese tatami-ed style.

I'm thinking I probably can't get a wife, so that's 5rooms plus living rooms (two of them), and I think they call the kitchen a room too, so that has to be a 8room house. In the unlikely event that I do have a wife, she will be wanting 3 rooms to herself too, to be fair. So a 11room house in that case. Need a maid to keep the dust at bay.

the pit

Those within, cry for release;
those without, try to jump in.
What a sham!
Outside and inside,
no one is happy.

Intuited

The tricky part is to tell when I'm joking, and when I'm not.

gone

When one day I'm gone, I wouldn't want people to say things like "I'll miss him," "He's a good friend, a good man." etc. I don't think I can stand being addressed in the third-person after I'm gone; it will be like the relationships I once share with them no longer exist anymore, like a break-off or something, though of course, technically that's true.

Maybe some people would go thinking: I should feel sad, this is a sad thing. Maybe they will be sad to the point that they would drop a tear or two when they think furiously of the times I shared with them, the jokes I made them laugh with, the tiny little incidents of remorse that will never get resolved already.

I don't want all that.

What I really want, when I am gone, is people to thump their hearts and weep their eyes out, crying that they couldn't live on without me, that life is no longer meaningful.

Yea, that will be cool.

Gavagai

How do you know
that you are not a rabbit
waiting to be snared.

Dreams are free movies

Dreams are like movies, and going to sleep nightly is like preparing to go to the movies, except that you, personally, are going to star in every single one of them.

It's always somewhat of a surprise to see what your dreams any night may turn out to be. You may yet be leading another day just like when you are awake, but it will always be interesting, always full of twists and unexpected happenings. You'll get to switch between protagonist and antagonist, sometimes you are even your own enemy!

Sometimes dreams are predictable within certain limits, like when you put your mind to it and think really hard about something or someone for a few hours before sleep, and you will probably dream somewhere along the same lines. Yet we'll never feel cheated, like we would if the Matrix 3 had concluded Neo's real world is in fact another Matrix; even if we know roughly the theme of our dreams tonight, the surprise in seeing how it can unfold always never cease to amaze us, bringing forth our most naked emotions almost without difficulty.

Sad dreams are more moving than the Titanic, and horror ones are scarier than the Saw. Love stories take on a personal flavor, hate episodes really resonate within you. We may even have ambivalent feelings towards dreams, love it and hate it, which is what we normally wouldn't say for movies.

Shock and titillate me; what will my dreams be tonight?

New year

It seems that quite a number of people felt the need to give a sort of wrap-up for the past year, so I think I should join the crowd in doing so.

I dunno about what particular misgivings I had of the past year, maybe its because I am still hung-over from last night's countdown (that sounds really happening, but actually I just drank around 3-4 cups of mixed vodka before I was incapacitated). I am not griping about my results since even though I am not in the desired class of honors, my present one is rather good already.

I dunno about anything particularly celebratory I had over the past year as well, again maybe because I am still woozy from the drinks. OK wait, thats not how I intended to blog from the start. There is one thing that I do know I am rather happy about, which initially I had feared to talk about, cos things which I mentioned in my blog seems to have a way of going in the opposite direction of what I predict.

But with caution, I might just be able to carry this happy change of mindset into the new year. Well its nothing great actually, but for being able to not have sad dreams every night, and not stressing over what I might have done, what I have actually done, and what I should do, I think it is indeed something happy for me. The gist of it is I seem to have gotten over someone.

I know I have said this a couple of times already, but this time, I feel something different. And I feel... lighter. I feel exactly like the last time I wasn't infatuated with anyone at all.

This time however, I am not going to walk into another love-trap again, at least not so soon.