Most feared is the man who seeks not to offend, who wants only to please, having no apparent voice of his own -- the deepest of all men with clay for heart.
By voicing your own mind, you in turn allow others to have their own voice; for none could disagree with someone who always agreed with them. Be afraid not to err, for we dare only speak with one who errs.
The one who fears admonition will not get it, but only because no one dare to admonish him. Only by seeking admonition, however, can one achieve communication.
No one likes to finally understand your heart, and find it but the shape of his grasp.
Because you dared not express what you really feel, others dare not express what they feel about what you really felt -- even if what you really felt is plain for all to see. Thus we only like the man who allows himself to be hated.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Friday, November 24, 2006
To go or not to go
The poll machine is broke, I think perhaps thats the reason why I havent been getting a lot of votes (another reason is that most people just couldnt be bothered with me, but that is too horrible to contemplate) so I removed the poll thingy. If you have any comments, you can freely do so below.
I am taking a poll, to see if I should go overseas for further studies immediately after graduation.
On the one hand, going overseas (America) immediately keeps the length of further studies down to the minimum, 5years. Thats a PhD with an intermediate Masters degree awarded. I dont like the Masters program at nu* too. If I do Masters here, I will have to do another 5years upon graduation of Masters too, 7years in total. Besides I have already applied for the Graduate Records Examinations which cost me $250+. Some of my profs and seniors have been encouraging me to go overseas instead of staying here. Going overseas should be fun too.
On the other hand, money is a huge factor. Despite what everybody seems to be claiming nowadays, I aint really merely saying that I am poor. My whole family isnt in good financial state, and we would have to really scrape to get the money to let me go overseas. One of my profs said its better to do MA here first, since that might enhance my chance of getting into a good uni for PhD. And its really scary to be going to a new land where everyone probably cant understand my accent (or bad english). Application forms are a headache to fill in, what with the letters of recommendation I need, masters proposal, interest statements, application fees, etc. And I might not really get into a very good US uni, though I dont know for sure.
So now what? To go or not to go? You decide. Actually, I will be doing the decision, but you can tell me what you think. Vote below, your vote will remain confidential (since I have no way of knowing who voted anyway). If you feel really strongly about me staying or leaving, you can even come back everyday to cast a second, third or fourth vote.
I am taking a poll, to see if I should go overseas for further studies immediately after graduation.
On the one hand, going overseas (America) immediately keeps the length of further studies down to the minimum, 5years. Thats a PhD with an intermediate Masters degree awarded. I dont like the Masters program at nu* too. If I do Masters here, I will have to do another 5years upon graduation of Masters too, 7years in total. Besides I have already applied for the Graduate Records Examinations which cost me $250+. Some of my profs and seniors have been encouraging me to go overseas instead of staying here. Going overseas should be fun too.
On the other hand, money is a huge factor. Despite what everybody seems to be claiming nowadays, I aint really merely saying that I am poor. My whole family isnt in good financial state, and we would have to really scrape to get the money to let me go overseas. One of my profs said its better to do MA here first, since that might enhance my chance of getting into a good uni for PhD. And its really scary to be going to a new land where everyone probably cant understand my accent (or bad english). Application forms are a headache to fill in, what with the letters of recommendation I need, masters proposal, interest statements, application fees, etc. And I might not really get into a very good US uni, though I dont know for sure.
So now what? To go or not to go? You decide. Actually, I will be doing the decision, but you can tell me what you think. Vote below, your vote will remain confidential (since I have no way of knowing who voted anyway). If you feel really strongly about me staying or leaving, you can even come back everyday to cast a second, third or fourth vote.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Earblock
We define ourselves by defining the things we dislike or hate.
There is no real reason why, why we chose to hate certain things other than we need to hate them to be. Or perhaps there is a reason.
There is what I would want to coin "earblock" -- we hear what we want to hear.
Verbal arguments go on forever; we never give enough credibility to what might constitute good proof, and emphasized fatal errors, making them up even if they arent there. Whatever aids our cause, is whatever that is understandable. Whatever not, absurd.
Even when reading, where we are trained to believe readily what the books say, we experience "mindblock" where things simply do not go in. In a milder form, we dont remember what we read even though we understood and disagreed. In a stronger form, we dont even understand, not because they are incomprehensible, but because we simply refuse to understand.
How are we to understand this "refusal"? It is not a refusal out of a committment to disagree, but simply because deep inside, we don't agree; there is something within ourselves that rebels against understanding it, almost as though understanding it is an offense to our very nature; that to understand we would no longer be us. That understanding itself is antithesis to the existence of our selves.
And how can the self wants the destruction of itself!?
Thus we seek our destruction with each advance in understanding. To survive, we need to delineate what we want to understand, what we hate and what we cannot possibly tolerate.
p.s. It is enough to skim through quickly what I wrote. If you get it, then you got it. For an example of the feeling of "refusal to understand", read Hegel or Heidegger.
There is no real reason why, why we chose to hate certain things other than we need to hate them to be. Or perhaps there is a reason.
There is what I would want to coin "earblock" -- we hear what we want to hear.
Verbal arguments go on forever; we never give enough credibility to what might constitute good proof, and emphasized fatal errors, making them up even if they arent there. Whatever aids our cause, is whatever that is understandable. Whatever not, absurd.
Even when reading, where we are trained to believe readily what the books say, we experience "mindblock" where things simply do not go in. In a milder form, we dont remember what we read even though we understood and disagreed. In a stronger form, we dont even understand, not because they are incomprehensible, but because we simply refuse to understand.
How are we to understand this "refusal"? It is not a refusal out of a committment to disagree, but simply because deep inside, we don't agree; there is something within ourselves that rebels against understanding it, almost as though understanding it is an offense to our very nature; that to understand we would no longer be us. That understanding itself is antithesis to the existence of our selves.
And how can the self wants the destruction of itself!?
Thus we seek our destruction with each advance in understanding. To survive, we need to delineate what we want to understand, what we hate and what we cannot possibly tolerate.
p.s. It is enough to skim through quickly what I wrote. If you get it, then you got it. For an example of the feeling of "refusal to understand", read Hegel or Heidegger.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Boston - Augustana
I'm rather surprised that lots of my friends have never heard of this song. It's very nice; I've always liked this kind of slow songs. What's more, I might be applying to some universities in the Boston area, so it's rather appropriate, though of cos, in the song it's the girl who's leaving for Boston.
In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...
You don't know me, you don't even care,
She said
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...
Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...
You don't know me, you don't even care,
She said
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...
She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
Boston... where no one knows my name...
In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...
You don't know me, you don't even care,
She said
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...
Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...
You don't know me, you don't even care,
She said
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...
She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
Boston... where no one knows my name...
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Spam mail
I was going through my email today, then on an impulse, decided to have a look at the spam mail folder for the heck of it. The titles of the spam mail are largely uninteresting, "Re: this" or "Re:that", occasionally having rather clever titles like "urgent:" or "your email got bounced, etc." None were particularly attractive though; spammers arent very inventive I guess.
I remember in the past, there used to be some internet virus-ly thingy that propagates through spam mail. The attachment is named something like "I love you", or "secret admirer". Now that's what I call a good spam (though not good in the sense of being morally good; you get the idea). However staunch a spam fighter you are, you will feel an urge to open the email, open the attachment. Even if you deleted it eventually, there is still the lingering tinge, a slight tug at the heart: what if?
What if what? What if someone is really secretly admiring you and sent you an email of course! No matter how lowly your opinion of yourself you claim to have, deep down inside, you secretly think that you are the most adorable, most lovable person in the world, and it is weird that people havent been rushing to kiss your hands and gushing out their love for you. (They are shy, thats why.) Thats also why it isnt that unthinkable that some secret admirer could send you an email professing his/her love for you. In fact, its a miracle that your inbox hasnt been flooded by such mails in the first place!
Of course, if you are living in some places like Singapore, where everyone's name is along the lines of "Dao Nee" and "Dao Hui", and you get such an email from "Staccie Roberto" etc., you know immediately that its a hoax. Not to mention that you know your english is so poor that no foreigners with Caucasian-sounding names would ever take interest in you.
Yet two increasingly popular trends conspire to push the suspicion down to a minimum. More and more young people in Singapore are adopting English names like Kate, Leo, Kleith, etc., making emails from similar sounding names seem more possible and realistic. Whats more, spammers have begun to catch on that emails from people with First and Middle name in their Sender information rarely hit the jackpot: whats the chance that you really know someone who is named "Jack", and has also a middle name "Zetarine"?
Eventually you might get an email from a "Rachel", with a title of "Love letter", and it just happens that the cute girl in class/office, is also named Rachel, and has been casting flirty looks at you all week. It would be cruel indeed to delete the email without even opening it first! And if there is an attachment that says "my feelings for you", probably most hot-blooded males will hastily open the attachment without even noticing that it is a .exe file, or if they did, to the hell with it, we can always format the pc later!
It all depends on the name of the sender I am thinking. Some perfectly normal mails from perfectly normal friends can pass as spam if you are in that particular mood. Dont even bother to open their mail: its probably crap, and their attachments probably crap too.
Some mails however, are totally suspicious looking, with an attachment that says "thisisvirus.exe" and "I hate you" in the email main body, which most people would assure you that it would be perfectly potty to open such a mail, yet without hesistation you would open the attachment if it is from the right person. Or follow the link to some sites that are totally insecure and suspicious looking and probably have 50 keyloggers installed in your pc the minute you login.
Not that these considerations will stop you from opening such mails. Some mails just have to be opened, regardless of the consequences. The day when spammers can achieve a similar level of compulsion for the emails is the day when spam mail is going to destroy the whole world.
I remember in the past, there used to be some internet virus-ly thingy that propagates through spam mail. The attachment is named something like "I love you", or "secret admirer". Now that's what I call a good spam (though not good in the sense of being morally good; you get the idea). However staunch a spam fighter you are, you will feel an urge to open the email, open the attachment. Even if you deleted it eventually, there is still the lingering tinge, a slight tug at the heart: what if?
What if what? What if someone is really secretly admiring you and sent you an email of course! No matter how lowly your opinion of yourself you claim to have, deep down inside, you secretly think that you are the most adorable, most lovable person in the world, and it is weird that people havent been rushing to kiss your hands and gushing out their love for you. (They are shy, thats why.) Thats also why it isnt that unthinkable that some secret admirer could send you an email professing his/her love for you. In fact, its a miracle that your inbox hasnt been flooded by such mails in the first place!
Of course, if you are living in some places like Singapore, where everyone's name is along the lines of "Dao Nee" and "Dao Hui", and you get such an email from "Staccie Roberto" etc., you know immediately that its a hoax. Not to mention that you know your english is so poor that no foreigners with Caucasian-sounding names would ever take interest in you.
Yet two increasingly popular trends conspire to push the suspicion down to a minimum. More and more young people in Singapore are adopting English names like Kate, Leo, Kleith, etc., making emails from similar sounding names seem more possible and realistic. Whats more, spammers have begun to catch on that emails from people with First and Middle name in their Sender information rarely hit the jackpot: whats the chance that you really know someone who is named "Jack", and has also a middle name "Zetarine"?
Eventually you might get an email from a "Rachel", with a title of "Love letter", and it just happens that the cute girl in class/office, is also named Rachel, and has been casting flirty looks at you all week. It would be cruel indeed to delete the email without even opening it first! And if there is an attachment that says "my feelings for you", probably most hot-blooded males will hastily open the attachment without even noticing that it is a .exe file, or if they did, to the hell with it, we can always format the pc later!
It all depends on the name of the sender I am thinking. Some perfectly normal mails from perfectly normal friends can pass as spam if you are in that particular mood. Dont even bother to open their mail: its probably crap, and their attachments probably crap too.
Some mails however, are totally suspicious looking, with an attachment that says "thisisvirus.exe" and "I hate you" in the email main body, which most people would assure you that it would be perfectly potty to open such a mail, yet without hesistation you would open the attachment if it is from the right person. Or follow the link to some sites that are totally insecure and suspicious looking and probably have 50 keyloggers installed in your pc the minute you login.
Not that these considerations will stop you from opening such mails. Some mails just have to be opened, regardless of the consequences. The day when spammers can achieve a similar level of compulsion for the emails is the day when spam mail is going to destroy the whole world.
Creep - Radiohead
I wish I could claim that I wrote this, but no. It's just an insanely nice song that describes the feelings of being secretly in love perfectly well. (Of cos, certain Radiohead fan would slam me for an idiot for only noticing that they have such nice songs after sooo long, 13 years after the song was first released. But who cares about them. hahaaa)
When you were here before,
couldn't look you in the eye.
You're just like an angel,
your skin makes me cry.
You float like a feather,
in a beautiful world
I wish I was special,
you're so fucking special.
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
I don't care if it hurts,
I want to have control.
I want a perfect body,
I want a perfect soul.
I want you to notice,
when I'm not around.
You're so fucking special,
I wish I was special.
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?.
I don't belong here
She's running out the door,
she's running,
she run, run, run, run, run.
Whatever makes you happy,
whatever you want.
You're so fucking special,
I wish I was special,
but I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here,
I don't belong here.
When you were here before,
couldn't look you in the eye.
You're just like an angel,
your skin makes me cry.
You float like a feather,
in a beautiful world
I wish I was special,
you're so fucking special.
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
I don't care if it hurts,
I want to have control.
I want a perfect body,
I want a perfect soul.
I want you to notice,
when I'm not around.
You're so fucking special,
I wish I was special.
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?.
I don't belong here
She's running out the door,
she's running,
she run, run, run, run, run.
Whatever makes you happy,
whatever you want.
You're so fucking special,
I wish I was special,
but I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here,
I don't belong here.
Friday, November 17, 2006
Eyes
I'm not sure what happened just now, maybe I have been reading too much, maybe I am too heaty, just now a swath of my left eye's vision just simply vanished. It started with a small bright bar just across the direct vision where I cant see anything at all, then over the course of an hour, it grew to a broad sweeping that looks roughly like a pointed C, in bold and shining with bright nothingness. My left eye couldnt focus with my right eye, and it looked weird in the mirror. The frightening thing is, my right eye seem to have the same C, just very far off into the peripheral.
For an hour, the possibility of going blind is very huge. Fearsome thoughts of living the rest of my life out in complete darkness, of being jobless and unable to do philosophy, of faces I will never see, of things I will never see and do, all these flashed across my mind endlessly. It was a very dark hour indeed.
My vision cleared after that hour, after I drank lots of liquid my mum stuff onto me and constantly massaged the sides of my eye and resting them as much as I could.
I suppose my vision is back to normal now... but there is no telling when that may relapse, and take away my sight forever. When that happen, I wouldnt be able to blog about it, nor go on msn to inform anyone about it already.
For an hour, the possibility of going blind is very huge. Fearsome thoughts of living the rest of my life out in complete darkness, of being jobless and unable to do philosophy, of faces I will never see, of things I will never see and do, all these flashed across my mind endlessly. It was a very dark hour indeed.
My vision cleared after that hour, after I drank lots of liquid my mum stuff onto me and constantly massaged the sides of my eye and resting them as much as I could.
I suppose my vision is back to normal now... but there is no telling when that may relapse, and take away my sight forever. When that happen, I wouldnt be able to blog about it, nor go on msn to inform anyone about it already.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Fifty Rules To Be A Real Man With An Oomph
Disclaimer: I didn't mean to repost my old posts, but since this one is rather incomplete, and I fully intend to complete it some time after my exams, I am transposing the old posts here, for some kind of continuity between the old posts and the rest of the rules yet to come. The rest of the sacred book, however, is misplaced somewhere in my frighteningly chaotic room, and because of the exams, I have no time to look for them, much less type them out. Meanwhile, this post serves as just a placeholder for the rest yet to come.
Some background information of FRTBARMWAO. FRTBARMWAO stands for "Fifty Rules To Be A Real Man With An Oomph", which is a Sacred Book owned by all true blooded men, given to them by their dads on their 2nd birthday in some obscure ritual.
The Sacred book of FRTBARMWAO
Rule One: NEVER TO LET ANY FEMALE SEE THIS BOOK. THEY MUST NOT EVEN BE AWARE OF ITS EXISTENCE. DO ANYTHING WITHIN YOUR POWER TO PREVENT SUCH FROM HAPPENING
Advice: The sacred book must never be shown to the females. In the case that you are a female, and are reading this, you are encouraged to stop immediately.
If you are still reading this, you have 3 seconds to surrender yourself.
If you are really still reading it, and didnt have any intention whatsoever to stop regardless of what it says here, serious actions would have to be taken against you.
In other words, we will try our best to ignore you.
Guys upon confrontation by the females regarding the Sacred book, you are encouraged to adopt either the "huh, what are you talking about?" attitude, or the offhand "hahaa, that guy is just talking rot" attitude. Most importantly assert that "I have never even heard of such a thing".
Rule Two: YOU MUST PROFESS TO LOVE SPORTS
Advice: You need to love a sport, any sport. Recommendations are soccer and basketball. Even if you do not like sports at all, you must tell everyone else that you do.
The reason for this is girls absolutely adore guys who professed to love sports. Guys who dont do so are wimps. You can only look macho if you like sports.
This also provide a convenient excuse to get away from the girls once in a while, like "I need to sleep in the other room tonight, 'cause I am watching soccer at 2am and I dun want to disturb you." whereupon you can peacefully sleep by yourself finally.
Rule Three: YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED A TAN
Advice: If you dun have a tan, you are just not man enough. Fair skinned is used to describe women, not men. If you are, unfortunately, that kind who dont get tanned no matter how hard you try, thats just too bad. However, you must persevere, and keep telling everyone you are doing your best to get a tan. The telling everybody part is especially important.
Rule Four: YOU NEED A SCAR
Advice: It doesnt matter how you got that scar, as long as you got one. The important thing is, the story behind the scar must be some cool and dangerous undertaking, like gang fight, or a slash from robbers, even if it is really not.
Position the scar somewhere prominent, so you can show the ladies conveniently; showing them your butt is definitely not cool.
Rule Five: VIOLENCE IS ALWAYS THE FIRST SOLUTION
Advice: In any situations, the first thing you should try is violence. If the TV is not working, give it a solid whack; if the other man behaves like a jerk, punch him before he can say anything. Many things in the world are masochistic; they need a good kick in the butt to get them functioning properly. Men are there to provide that violence, do not neglect your responsibility.
In the unlikely event that violence doesnt work, you should try to talk your way out. Talking is not as favoured as violence, but it does help sometimes. Suggested talk tactics are :"I was pretty sure he was asking for it, he knew it was coming anyway." or "My big brother is coming, you better stop hitting me now, else you are really going to hurt later."
Third way out is calling for help. This is emergency hotline, a true Man should Never call for help unless he is: 1. Dying. 2. A wimp. If the TV is spoilt, you make sure you die trying to fix it before allowing your wife to call the technician.
Rule Six: CODE WORD: SHIT AND WTF
Advice: The brotherhood have been known to be merciful, and in the event of serious problems, you can SOS for help by uttering the secret code word S.H.I.T. which stands for Somebody Help!! I'm in Trouble!!
Practice saying this really fast and in quick succession. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit.
Another member of the brotherhood upon hearing this secret codeword will respond accordingly, by saying WTF quickly and also in quick succession.
WTF stands for Wat-The Fish, and it is a highly kept secret, known to the secret order of Wat-The monks to be the name of the Sacred Fish, which is reputed to help men in a fix. By invoking the name of Wat-The Fish, a member of the brotherhood is calling blessings upon the man in distress, and at the same time authenticating his membership.
Practice saying this really fast too. WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF.
Rule Seven: YOU MUST LEARN TO PLAY AT LEAST ONE MUSICAL INSTRUMENT
Advice: This is the ultimate girls-drawer, the ultimate ladykilling stance. For best results, learn the saxophone. It absolutely bowls women over. Look at the word itself... sax sax sax... what does it remind you of? Trust me.
In the event you could not secure a saxaphone, or indeed learn to play one, have no fear. The brotherhood has a long standing secret pact with all the kindergardens across the country to teach the Recorder. With such a skill, you can proudly tell any girl who asked, or if they didnt, insist on telling them anyway, that you can play the recorder. Offer to play a song for them too.
Rule Eight: WHISTLE
Advice: Men are always busy. There are always countless meetings to rush to, or soccer matches you are late for. During such situations, it can be a lifesaver to know how to whistle.
Imagine in a hurry, and you need to pee, but the pee simply would not come out, cos you are too stressed and urgent to pee. It is a surprise at how much whistling at this point can do for you.
At normal times, you can use this skill to impress girls as well; whistling after a pretty looking girl will increase your chance of getting her phone number by 5 folds, as survey shows.
Recently, there emerged an unorthodox sect, an offshoot of the brotherhood; they stick 2 fingers into their mouth to whistle. Not a very wise move, considering how hard it would be to pee with one hand inside your mouth. Practically acrobatic if the 2 fingers have to come from both hands. Pretty disgusting as well.
Rule Nine: CRISIS
Advice: You need to get crazy once in a while, for the sake of being unpredictable if nothing else. Women love their men to be unpredictable at unpredictable times; being predictable makes life boring and generally everyone unhappy.
A good time time to do so would be when you are around 40, when you are conveniently forgiven for the so-called Mid Life Crisis. Do whatever, quit your job, get a fling, you shall be pardoned.
Rule Ten: GOLDEN RULE: NO BEATING OF WOMAN
Advice: No room for negotiations. No beating.
It is, of course, permitted to have one of those "fights" with your beloved half every once in a while (we have been told that such encounters help promote blood circulation and also ultimately improve relationships significantly, not to mention it providing the perfect excuse for some nastily sweet making up). However, these "fights" are to be only metaphorical for you , while it may or may not be literal for the females.
Under no circumstances you are to retaliate, even if a woman is clawing you repeatedly. The reason for that is it simply isn't the thing to hit a woman. Besides, other women who saw you being clawed might take pity on you, and hence spreading your reputation of being a real man. This is how charisma comes about.
However, there is one exception to this otherwise infallible rule: that is, unless a woman is repeatedly kicking some needless-to-mention extremely sensitive spot, with no intention of stopping whatsoever, and no sight of any potential female admirers in the immediate vicinity. In such extreme situation, the whole of the future and the dignity of the male genus is at stake; that would call for extreme measures. Then it is permitted to slap her foot away, to discourage her from further assaulting the dignity of the male genus (that is, if you can still move from being repeatedly kicked there).
Rule Eleven: NO SHOPPING WITH WOMEN
Advice: It is a taboo to be seen shopping with women, even your girlfriend, especially your wife. Shopping absolutely goes against the core tenets of the brotherhood. A true man should not be seen dead in a shop with a girl, especially if it is a lingerie shop.
Snipers from the brotherhood are positioned around all major shopping centers to take headshots at guys seen shopping with their girlfriends or wives.
No shopping.
Rule Twelve: YOU NEED MORE MUSCLES
Advice: You can never get enough of those stuff. You must train up more, to beef up and build up 'em meat, to prepare for the final test.
Gradually work up from lifting dumbbells to weight bars. When you can lift around 50kg, you are ready for the final test and will be given the go by the brotherhood to get married. Whereupon you can carry your bride into the marriage chamber.
The smarter guys out there would train all the way to 100kg to prepare for the unexpected load to avoid embarrassment on the day of marriage by dropping her. Girls have never been known to be honest about their true weight.
Rule Thirteen: SWEARING AND THE UNIVERSAL SIGN LANGUAGE
Advice: You need to learn this, it is the sole reason human as a species is able to survive and proliferate so well. Communication is the key: you absolutely need to learn to effectively and efficiently convey your delicate innermost feelings. An increasingly popularised word which would aid you in communication skills is the word "Fuck". Survey shows nearly 60% of the known world recognise this word for what it is, hence it is a very handy word to equip yourself with before going on an overseas trip.
Nothing can be as expressive as saying this word really fast and in quick succession. The facial expression comes naturally, so there is no need for practice, another good reason why you should learn it. Almost like an American Express Card.
However, in the event that the word "Fuck" doesnt work, there is a Universal sign language that would more than make up for it. In fact, studies have shown that ALL cultures across the globe recognise the ancient symbol, and it is highly likely that aliens, if there are any, would recognise it too.
The Universal Sign language is quite hard to transpose into words here, but it roughly involves a certain positioning of the middle finger. Very complex, but very useful and easy to learn.
The government of the Republic of Singapore has been kind enough to provide a full 2 year course on the art of swearing for all able bodied males. We wish to express our thanks here to the government which is so concerned about the well being of our males.
Rule Fourteen: REPERTOIRE OF GHOST STORIES
Advice: You must learn and memorise ghost stories, preferably those involving personal participation. A good setting for your ghostly encounters would be Pulau Tekong where men are supposedly there to train as soldiers, and supposedly to be severely haunted.
It must never be let out that most of the time in Tekong is spent making up ghost stories designed with the sole purpose of impressing the girls and making them cringe with fear.
Rule Fifteen: HIERARCHY WITHIN THE BROTHERHOOD MUST BE STRICTLY OBSERVED
Advice: Ranks within the brotherhood are subtly displayed, though strictly observed.
Hierarchy is determined by the chest measurements. In other words, the bigger pectoralis major you have, the higher ranking you are. Hence it is vital that every man carry about him a set of measuring tape, in event of dubious comparisons.
Upon meeting a higher ranking personnel within the brotherhood, one must show the proper respect and obeisance rightly due to him. Prostration should only be done in absence of females, and licking of superior's foot is highly encouraged.
Appeal against your rank can certainly be made, in which case biceps measurements are taken as a second hearing. A second appeal is discouraged, and should only be awarded in exceptional situations, whereupon taking of the third measurements should be adjourned to the Gents, and carefully taken.
Rule Sixteen: SUPPORT ALCOHOL
Advice: It is a well known fact that alcoholic drinks are disgusting, tasting nothing short of puke, and hangovers are about the worst thing next to hell you can experience.
However, it is still mandatory that you support alcoholic drinks, and maintain that you love them. The sole reason being it is the core business of the brotherhood, supporting 67% of the male species in alcoholic related businesses, as well as being the only venture that is profitable enough to form the main bulk of the brotherhood's budget.
We apologise for the piss-like taste of all the beers and volkas etc, and we assure you that we are trying our very best to improve the aftertaste as well. In the meantime, continue to visit pubs and buy lots of beers to fund our research. Treat your girl friends as well, they will eventually be convinced alcohol is actually nice to drink. The Power of Love.
Rule Seventeen: CURLY LEG HAIRS
Advice: The brotherhood has, through some highly reliable sources, gotten the information that all women have a secret fetish for curly leg hairs.
This phenomenon is currently unexplained for, but many psychologists tasked to work upon it have recently come up with the Unfulfilled Unconscious Theory which somewhat postulates the fact that women are forced to shave their own off, creates a powerful subconscious urge to admire it in the male-species.
Internally, the brotherhood feels that this is bullshit, but we paid a lot for those psychologists, and we are never going to admit we are paying for shit.
As every man knows, leg hairs grow straight. Whatever possessed those women to like curly ones is quite clearly not quite in the head. However, to indulge the wishes of our whimisical other half, all men are encouraged to perm their leg hairs.
Perm 'em curly, make them fluffy. Thats the way, boys. Go forth and make 'em ladies swoon.
For those who have minimum leg hairs, artificial inplants are available at specific hair care centres, where a series of packages are offered for those who need leg hair protection as well.
Rule Eighteen: THOU SHALL NOT TOUCH THINE FRIEND'S GIRL
Advice: We know some of you out there are ladykillers, womankillers, ahsohkillers watever, but remember this golden rule whenever you are out for the kill.
Even if your friend's girl is stunningly beautiful, or simply too disgusting to live, you Are Not Allowed to Touch Her.
OFF LIMITS. HANDS OFF. As the proverb goes: Let the man live his own choice. Even if you see that it is a horribly wrong one.
Rule Nineteen: DECEPTION ALWAYS WORK
Advice: This is quite stating the obvious, for deception is in our blood. But the true art of deception is worth pursuing, and the road to it is long and ardous.
Indeed, it is a highly regarded art that we men possess, and it has been known that even women enjoyed being cheated by men. In certain occasions, it is quite... unhealthy for the men to avoid deception.
Cases where she asked for your opinion on her latest buy, or the size of her waist, you know are treading on thin ice, and the man who value his life will do some careful intellectual deception.
Rule Twenty: YOU MUST HAVE A CAR
Advice: Every true man need to have a car. Before marriage, it serves the important function of ferrying your girl. After she is firmly in your hands, and signed the damnation bonds, the car can be used to ferry other girls.
Of course, other than that, it is quite essential in providing that object of jealousy for your wife. Women have been known to treasure their men if they seem worthy, and any men who cant afford to split their love between the wives and something else, is deemed unworthy.
As a result of which, you need to name your car "Wife", or "Honey", or any sick and disgusting name your wife would like to hear it used on her. Shower it with affection and love, and very soon your wife will be vying for your attention with it. Strange creatures women are, but we shall come to understand them better in the future, hopefully.
Rule Twenty-One: SEWING IS FROWNED UPON
Advice: Men who sew are wimps, under no circumstances are you to take up thread and needle and mend your clothes yourself.
You dun see Arnold lugging a sewing case around when he was in the jungles shooting 'em machine guns. You rip your clothes off when it has a tear; you look more macho that way, trust me.
Rule Twenty-Two: TABOO WORDS: "I LOVE YOU"
Advice: Any man caught saying those three words will immediately be stripped of his membership, which could be pretty painful to say the least, and denounced publicly.
The reasons of the brotherhood are not always given, suffice to say it has been a long standing tradition, and anyone caught flouting the rule will be heavily disciplined. (However, the arms of the brotherhood though long, are usually not as sharp and venomous as your girlfriend's fingernails. Men under severe torture, or tough enticing, if you should submit under the "cajoling", make sure you do not get caught. What goes unnoticed, might go unpunished.)
On the other hand, it is quite obvious that whenever a man glance surreptitiously to the left and right before whispering into his girlfriend's ear, he is uttering the taboo words for fear of discovery by the Brotherhood. As such, this behavior can be considered as proper incriminating evidence on the same status as publicly announcing those three words.
Rule Twenty-Three: SNAG ENMITY
Advice: The brotherhood has openly declared warfare upon the secret organisation of SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guys). For this reason, all men are required to express a universal hatred for all SNAGs, self-proclaimed or otherwise.
It has been known to the upper echelons of the brotherhood that this other organisation is gaining popularity rapidly, the result of which our customers will increasingly expect all men to behave as SNAGs.
This behavior is intolerable, especially when it is coming from our trusted customers whom we have been serving ever since Eve herself. We never heard her complain, do we?
We, thus, need to put our foot down firmly before the situation gets out of hand, and declare to the world that men shall remain callous and uncouth for eternity, to show them we have the sole proprietary on deciding the direction of our male species.
Rule Twenty-Four: THE ART OF SPITTING
Advice: It has been a long established myth, which generate fair amount of envious behaviours and some swoonings, that men carry the art of spitting from birth.
The truth is, the art of spitting is taught, and without proper tutelage, none can master the art of graceful spitting.
Women have been observed to spit like a child, dribbling all over their lips as they do so, hence their professed disgust over men's skill at it, when in fact they are simply jealous.
The art of spitting, which takes some practice, will hence be imparted here.
1. You need some spit. If you cant generate any, or for the really avid fans who run out of spit after like, the hundredth tries, you may use something small like the seed of a watermelon.
2. Position the seed, or spit, between your front 2 teeth, with the tip of your tongue directly behind it, exactly as if you are holding it hostage.
3. Suck it dry. You dun want to look like some young girl spitting and dribbling at the same time. The worst you can do is to have a long string of saliva connecting your mouth all the way to the spit 2 feet away. Plain disgusting.
4. With the tonguetip firmly in place, direct a strong jet of air between the roof of the mouth and the flat of the tongue to the hind of the seed/spit, to provide that propulsion needed to send it on its way.
With this set of instructions, never shall men be said to be without proper upbringing. Remember, spit excessively everywhere you go, demonstrate your competence for the world to see. Make them die of envy.
Rule Twenty-Five: "CANT-S" VS "DISLIKES"
Advice: It has never been within the dictionary of the brotherhood of such word as "cant". Never say you cant do something, anything. Always say you dislike doing it.
If you cant drink, say you hate drinking. (though the brotherhood will hunt you down for it)
If you cant drive, say you dislike driving.
If you cant repair something, say it is too troublesome to do it, and you are refusing to do it on principles.
Admitting you are a wimp, shows you are a wimp. So never admit it, even on pains of death. The same goes for admitting mistakes: you are wrong only if the other party is wrong first.
Rule Twenty-Six: Secret Membership in SNAG
Advice: You need to hide your sacred book of SNAG away carefully, and never be let known of your secret membership in it.
The practices of SNAG, though openly frowned upon, must have some charms to them, and it is imperious we learn something from the cult.
Wait patiently for the next installment of SNAG.
Rule Twenty Seven: DANCING
Advice: Another of the must learn skills that any true blooded man should possess.
It is a well known fact that women love to dance, and to exploit this weakness of theirs, men are encouraged to pick up dancing. Of course, we are not talking about just any kind of dance. It has to be one that involves lots of twirling around, and I don't mean twirling your fingers dumbass.
Learn only those dances that require you to twirl your partner around, in as many circles as possible. The idea is to get them giddy and breathless, literally sweeping them off their feet.
Should, however you use this canon to go learn other kinds of dance that dont involve twirling, rest assured you will be branded as a traitor for life.
Rule Twenty Eight: Sitting postures
Advice: To be a real man, it is mandatory to adopt the appropriate etiquette expected of us. Of utmost importance is how you sit. Bear in mind that this should apply to all situations without exceptions.
The key point here is to spread your legs wide as far as they would go, when sitting (it really doesnt make sense to be talking about standing here). The reason, which should be pretty obvious, is that only people of high standing can afford to take up a lot of physical space, and hence by spreading your legs open, you are assuming and asserting an air of authority which simply bowls everyone over.
It doesnt matter if your legs are the short, bandy kind. Just open them wide. You will see people walking wide of you when you do that, trust me.
Rule Twenty Nine: Swagger
Advice: In close connexion with the previous canon, naturally this is regarding the way you walk, or carry yourself.
In obvious relation, you need to swagger when walking, and the reason is quite the same as before: people who can afford to swagger usually are people of high importance. At this point you might try to point out that our prominent political figures like LKY, Koizumi etc. clearly don't swagger.
However, we assure you that they didnt swagger only because they are camera-shy. We have it on the best of authority that they certainly swagger off-screen. Afterall, they too have their own copies of FRTBARMWAO. (Though we had to translate a japanese version for japan. Troublesome ah)
Rule Thirty: CUT YOUR NAILS
Advice: For goodness' sake, cut your damn nails. The nails are there for a purpose, and it is to be cut!
The reason for that, is long nails properly belong on women. Now this may sound sexist, and though we are admittedly sexists, this is not a sexist reason. It just doesnt have a purpose for men to sport long nails.
For the females, however, is an entirely different story. Other than naturally looking good on them, the nails have this additional function of raking men with. To be raked by a woman's nails is a kind of honor, you might say. We have a technical term for it, quite sophisticated sounding in fact: Honor scars. If you think the name sucks, we suggest you keep that to yourself.
For men to possess long nails, however, serves no similar purposes at all! Surely you didnt think women would appreciate being raked by you?! As far as the Brotherhood's intel goes, scarring a woman's skin is tantamount to committing suicide: a rather slow and excruciating death.
Rule Thirty One: RAISE YOUR ARMS
Advice: It is quite well known that women need to shave their armpits, as sanctioned by society. Men however have no such restrictions.
Hence, go forth and expose your armpits whenever the chance present itself. Show off 'em hairy armpits, make the girls envious. If you are in a bus, clutch at the overhead railings instead of the seat bars; if you are in a seminar room, raise your arms all the way when answering a question. Grab at any chance to show off your assets.
It might help if you are the sort that perspire a lot, for your armpits will have this self-regulating mechanism for catching attention. Anyone within miles will surely notice your luxuriant crop of armpit hairs, if it has the "right aroma".
If you don't have such luck to be born with it, we recommend using our special odorant, available at all major stores of the Brotherhood.
Rule Thirty Two: CARRYING OF UMBRELLA
Advice: A REAL man should not be seen dead with an umbrella in the rain, unless he is (1) sheltering a girl, or (2) beating some guy up with it.
Usage of umbrella is a public admittance of weakness, showing the world that the male genus could not even tolerate mere droplets of water.
Under no circumstances, even where there are no girls in sight, may the guy secretly take out his umbrella to (1)shelter himself, (2) shelter another guy, even if it is raining hailstones.
Should you die braving the hailstorms, whilst having an umbrella somewhere in your bag, rest assured that we will make a martyr out of you.
Don't be afraid to die.
Rule Thirty Three: PART TIME FIELD RESEARCHER
Advice: Now, you know very well that the Brotherhood is pretty tight on funds. We absolutely couldnt afford to hire professional researchers, at least not officially (some of our brothers are notoriously difficult to badger into doing free research on behalf on the Brotherhood, not where their livelihood is concerned).
Therefore, every able-bodied male is expected to perform the duty of field researcher, in addition to his primary role which is... erm... forget it. Consider it as some sort of patriotism towards the Brotherhood.
The only data the Brotherhood need is, naturally, about women. We need to know everything about them, the vital statistics, their heights, the colour of their eyes etc. Anything that you can think of, anything you can gather, we want them!
Hence, consider it your duty to ogle at girls. Try to do it discreetly please, else we might be accused of being uncouth again. But in any case, data gathering takes precedence over all else. If situation demands you to publicly ogle at a particularly fine specimen, do it.
For the Brotherhood, any damages to one's personal reputation should be worth it.
Rule Thirty Four: EATING MANNERISMS
Advice: It shouldnt come as a surprise by now what we are going to advise on the issue of how to eat.
It is a strange, but true fact that girls are absolutely captivated by how men eat. And the more disgustingly you eat, the more captivated they are.
Perhaps it has something to do with evolution: the cavemen presumably ate in a pretty disgusting manner back then. It is a freak accident that successful hunters get to eat more, and hence get to display their disgusting eating ways more often. Unfortunately, females who are attracted to successful hunters, are stuck with disgusting eaters for the rest of their lives.
Natural selection filtered out those females who couldnt stand married to disgusting eaters; they starved to death a long time back with the sissy-diners. Now we are left only with females who absolutely love males who eat noisily and messily.
A sad fact, but one which demands that we adapt ourselves to it. Henceforth, eat as we are expected to.
Rule Thirty Five: HAIR AND DRESSING
Advice: You absolutely need to assume that rugged look. It is no longer in fashion to comb your hair to the exact precision of the hairline, nor to wear a suit everywhere you go (if it were even ever in fashion in the past).
Your hair should always look like you got up in a rush in the morning, and given the barest of a comb before dashing out of the house, and subsequently being caught in a crosswind, then a police crossfire, and tussled by the escaping thugs, but still managed to look ruggedly dashing. Your clothes should be in an equally sloppy state, always seemingly on the point of falling off your back, but never actually doing so.
All this may take some masterful arranging, and it is advisable that you wake up quite early to get everything in place. It is an art to wear your hair like a mess, albeit a dashing mess, and the art requires quite some effort that simply couldnt be skimped on.
Rule Thirty Six: YOU NEED TO BE MAD
Advice: This is not quite the same as the previous rule, Rule Nine: CRISIS. We have a perfectly practical reason for requiring this rule.
It is known that girls expect us to assert contradictory stuff. If they ask you if you love them or not, you are expected to say yes, but they wouldnt believe you. If you say no, they wouldnt believe you either.
If they ask you whether they are fat, they will also demand that you do not lie to them, but to tell them they are really fat, is equal to committing suicide.
If you reply "yes, you are fat" you will surely die.
If you reply "no, you are not fat" it means you are lying to them, and you will die for that too.
Since we have to reply "yes" and "no" simultaneously, commonsense tells us that the girls expect us to be quite irrational. Therefore we must live up to their expectations.
to be continued....
Some background information of FRTBARMWAO. FRTBARMWAO stands for "Fifty Rules To Be A Real Man With An Oomph", which is a Sacred Book owned by all true blooded men, given to them by their dads on their 2nd birthday in some obscure ritual.
The Sacred book of FRTBARMWAO
Rule One: NEVER TO LET ANY FEMALE SEE THIS BOOK. THEY MUST NOT EVEN BE AWARE OF ITS EXISTENCE. DO ANYTHING WITHIN YOUR POWER TO PREVENT SUCH FROM HAPPENING
Advice: The sacred book must never be shown to the females. In the case that you are a female, and are reading this, you are encouraged to stop immediately.
If you are still reading this, you have 3 seconds to surrender yourself.
If you are really still reading it, and didnt have any intention whatsoever to stop regardless of what it says here, serious actions would have to be taken against you.
In other words, we will try our best to ignore you.
Guys upon confrontation by the females regarding the Sacred book, you are encouraged to adopt either the "huh, what are you talking about?" attitude, or the offhand "hahaa, that guy is just talking rot" attitude. Most importantly assert that "I have never even heard of such a thing".
Rule Two: YOU MUST PROFESS TO LOVE SPORTS
Advice: You need to love a sport, any sport. Recommendations are soccer and basketball. Even if you do not like sports at all, you must tell everyone else that you do.
The reason for this is girls absolutely adore guys who professed to love sports. Guys who dont do so are wimps. You can only look macho if you like sports.
This also provide a convenient excuse to get away from the girls once in a while, like "I need to sleep in the other room tonight, 'cause I am watching soccer at 2am and I dun want to disturb you." whereupon you can peacefully sleep by yourself finally.
Rule Three: YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED A TAN
Advice: If you dun have a tan, you are just not man enough. Fair skinned is used to describe women, not men. If you are, unfortunately, that kind who dont get tanned no matter how hard you try, thats just too bad. However, you must persevere, and keep telling everyone you are doing your best to get a tan. The telling everybody part is especially important.
Rule Four: YOU NEED A SCAR
Advice: It doesnt matter how you got that scar, as long as you got one. The important thing is, the story behind the scar must be some cool and dangerous undertaking, like gang fight, or a slash from robbers, even if it is really not.
Position the scar somewhere prominent, so you can show the ladies conveniently; showing them your butt is definitely not cool.
Rule Five: VIOLENCE IS ALWAYS THE FIRST SOLUTION
Advice: In any situations, the first thing you should try is violence. If the TV is not working, give it a solid whack; if the other man behaves like a jerk, punch him before he can say anything. Many things in the world are masochistic; they need a good kick in the butt to get them functioning properly. Men are there to provide that violence, do not neglect your responsibility.
In the unlikely event that violence doesnt work, you should try to talk your way out. Talking is not as favoured as violence, but it does help sometimes. Suggested talk tactics are :"I was pretty sure he was asking for it, he knew it was coming anyway." or "My big brother is coming, you better stop hitting me now, else you are really going to hurt later."
Third way out is calling for help. This is emergency hotline, a true Man should Never call for help unless he is: 1. Dying. 2. A wimp. If the TV is spoilt, you make sure you die trying to fix it before allowing your wife to call the technician.
Rule Six: CODE WORD: SHIT AND WTF
Advice: The brotherhood have been known to be merciful, and in the event of serious problems, you can SOS for help by uttering the secret code word S.H.I.T. which stands for Somebody Help!! I'm in Trouble!!
Practice saying this really fast and in quick succession. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit.
Another member of the brotherhood upon hearing this secret codeword will respond accordingly, by saying WTF quickly and also in quick succession.
WTF stands for Wat-The Fish, and it is a highly kept secret, known to the secret order of Wat-The monks to be the name of the Sacred Fish, which is reputed to help men in a fix. By invoking the name of Wat-The Fish, a member of the brotherhood is calling blessings upon the man in distress, and at the same time authenticating his membership.
Practice saying this really fast too. WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF.
Rule Seven: YOU MUST LEARN TO PLAY AT LEAST ONE MUSICAL INSTRUMENT
Advice: This is the ultimate girls-drawer, the ultimate ladykilling stance. For best results, learn the saxophone. It absolutely bowls women over. Look at the word itself... sax sax sax... what does it remind you of? Trust me.
In the event you could not secure a saxaphone, or indeed learn to play one, have no fear. The brotherhood has a long standing secret pact with all the kindergardens across the country to teach the Recorder. With such a skill, you can proudly tell any girl who asked, or if they didnt, insist on telling them anyway, that you can play the recorder. Offer to play a song for them too.
Rule Eight: WHISTLE
Advice: Men are always busy. There are always countless meetings to rush to, or soccer matches you are late for. During such situations, it can be a lifesaver to know how to whistle.
Imagine in a hurry, and you need to pee, but the pee simply would not come out, cos you are too stressed and urgent to pee. It is a surprise at how much whistling at this point can do for you.
At normal times, you can use this skill to impress girls as well; whistling after a pretty looking girl will increase your chance of getting her phone number by 5 folds, as survey shows.
Recently, there emerged an unorthodox sect, an offshoot of the brotherhood; they stick 2 fingers into their mouth to whistle. Not a very wise move, considering how hard it would be to pee with one hand inside your mouth. Practically acrobatic if the 2 fingers have to come from both hands. Pretty disgusting as well.
Rule Nine: CRISIS
Advice: You need to get crazy once in a while, for the sake of being unpredictable if nothing else. Women love their men to be unpredictable at unpredictable times; being predictable makes life boring and generally everyone unhappy.
A good time time to do so would be when you are around 40, when you are conveniently forgiven for the so-called Mid Life Crisis. Do whatever, quit your job, get a fling, you shall be pardoned.
Rule Ten: GOLDEN RULE: NO BEATING OF WOMAN
Advice: No room for negotiations. No beating.
It is, of course, permitted to have one of those "fights" with your beloved half every once in a while (we have been told that such encounters help promote blood circulation and also ultimately improve relationships significantly, not to mention it providing the perfect excuse for some nastily sweet making up). However, these "fights" are to be only metaphorical for you , while it may or may not be literal for the females.
Under no circumstances you are to retaliate, even if a woman is clawing you repeatedly. The reason for that is it simply isn't the thing to hit a woman. Besides, other women who saw you being clawed might take pity on you, and hence spreading your reputation of being a real man. This is how charisma comes about.
However, there is one exception to this otherwise infallible rule: that is, unless a woman is repeatedly kicking some needless-to-mention extremely sensitive spot, with no intention of stopping whatsoever, and no sight of any potential female admirers in the immediate vicinity. In such extreme situation, the whole of the future and the dignity of the male genus is at stake; that would call for extreme measures. Then it is permitted to slap her foot away, to discourage her from further assaulting the dignity of the male genus (that is, if you can still move from being repeatedly kicked there).
Rule Eleven: NO SHOPPING WITH WOMEN
Advice: It is a taboo to be seen shopping with women, even your girlfriend, especially your wife. Shopping absolutely goes against the core tenets of the brotherhood. A true man should not be seen dead in a shop with a girl, especially if it is a lingerie shop.
Snipers from the brotherhood are positioned around all major shopping centers to take headshots at guys seen shopping with their girlfriends or wives.
No shopping.
Rule Twelve: YOU NEED MORE MUSCLES
Advice: You can never get enough of those stuff. You must train up more, to beef up and build up 'em meat, to prepare for the final test.
Gradually work up from lifting dumbbells to weight bars. When you can lift around 50kg, you are ready for the final test and will be given the go by the brotherhood to get married. Whereupon you can carry your bride into the marriage chamber.
The smarter guys out there would train all the way to 100kg to prepare for the unexpected load to avoid embarrassment on the day of marriage by dropping her. Girls have never been known to be honest about their true weight.
Rule Thirteen: SWEARING AND THE UNIVERSAL SIGN LANGUAGE
Advice: You need to learn this, it is the sole reason human as a species is able to survive and proliferate so well. Communication is the key: you absolutely need to learn to effectively and efficiently convey your delicate innermost feelings. An increasingly popularised word which would aid you in communication skills is the word "Fuck". Survey shows nearly 60% of the known world recognise this word for what it is, hence it is a very handy word to equip yourself with before going on an overseas trip.
Nothing can be as expressive as saying this word really fast and in quick succession. The facial expression comes naturally, so there is no need for practice, another good reason why you should learn it. Almost like an American Express Card.
However, in the event that the word "Fuck" doesnt work, there is a Universal sign language that would more than make up for it. In fact, studies have shown that ALL cultures across the globe recognise the ancient symbol, and it is highly likely that aliens, if there are any, would recognise it too.
The Universal Sign language is quite hard to transpose into words here, but it roughly involves a certain positioning of the middle finger. Very complex, but very useful and easy to learn.
The government of the Republic of Singapore has been kind enough to provide a full 2 year course on the art of swearing for all able bodied males. We wish to express our thanks here to the government which is so concerned about the well being of our males.
Rule Fourteen: REPERTOIRE OF GHOST STORIES
Advice: You must learn and memorise ghost stories, preferably those involving personal participation. A good setting for your ghostly encounters would be Pulau Tekong where men are supposedly there to train as soldiers, and supposedly to be severely haunted.
It must never be let out that most of the time in Tekong is spent making up ghost stories designed with the sole purpose of impressing the girls and making them cringe with fear.
Rule Fifteen: HIERARCHY WITHIN THE BROTHERHOOD MUST BE STRICTLY OBSERVED
Advice: Ranks within the brotherhood are subtly displayed, though strictly observed.
Hierarchy is determined by the chest measurements. In other words, the bigger pectoralis major you have, the higher ranking you are. Hence it is vital that every man carry about him a set of measuring tape, in event of dubious comparisons.
Upon meeting a higher ranking personnel within the brotherhood, one must show the proper respect and obeisance rightly due to him. Prostration should only be done in absence of females, and licking of superior's foot is highly encouraged.
Appeal against your rank can certainly be made, in which case biceps measurements are taken as a second hearing. A second appeal is discouraged, and should only be awarded in exceptional situations, whereupon taking of the third measurements should be adjourned to the Gents, and carefully taken.
Rule Sixteen: SUPPORT ALCOHOL
Advice: It is a well known fact that alcoholic drinks are disgusting, tasting nothing short of puke, and hangovers are about the worst thing next to hell you can experience.
However, it is still mandatory that you support alcoholic drinks, and maintain that you love them. The sole reason being it is the core business of the brotherhood, supporting 67% of the male species in alcoholic related businesses, as well as being the only venture that is profitable enough to form the main bulk of the brotherhood's budget.
We apologise for the piss-like taste of all the beers and volkas etc, and we assure you that we are trying our very best to improve the aftertaste as well. In the meantime, continue to visit pubs and buy lots of beers to fund our research. Treat your girl friends as well, they will eventually be convinced alcohol is actually nice to drink. The Power of Love.
Rule Seventeen: CURLY LEG HAIRS
Advice: The brotherhood has, through some highly reliable sources, gotten the information that all women have a secret fetish for curly leg hairs.
This phenomenon is currently unexplained for, but many psychologists tasked to work upon it have recently come up with the Unfulfilled Unconscious Theory which somewhat postulates the fact that women are forced to shave their own off, creates a powerful subconscious urge to admire it in the male-species.
Internally, the brotherhood feels that this is bullshit, but we paid a lot for those psychologists, and we are never going to admit we are paying for shit.
As every man knows, leg hairs grow straight. Whatever possessed those women to like curly ones is quite clearly not quite in the head. However, to indulge the wishes of our whimisical other half, all men are encouraged to perm their leg hairs.
Perm 'em curly, make them fluffy. Thats the way, boys. Go forth and make 'em ladies swoon.
For those who have minimum leg hairs, artificial inplants are available at specific hair care centres, where a series of packages are offered for those who need leg hair protection as well.
Rule Eighteen: THOU SHALL NOT TOUCH THINE FRIEND'S GIRL
Advice: We know some of you out there are ladykillers, womankillers, ahsohkillers watever, but remember this golden rule whenever you are out for the kill.
Even if your friend's girl is stunningly beautiful, or simply too disgusting to live, you Are Not Allowed to Touch Her.
OFF LIMITS. HANDS OFF. As the proverb goes: Let the man live his own choice. Even if you see that it is a horribly wrong one.
Rule Nineteen: DECEPTION ALWAYS WORK
Advice: This is quite stating the obvious, for deception is in our blood. But the true art of deception is worth pursuing, and the road to it is long and ardous.
Indeed, it is a highly regarded art that we men possess, and it has been known that even women enjoyed being cheated by men. In certain occasions, it is quite... unhealthy for the men to avoid deception.
Cases where she asked for your opinion on her latest buy, or the size of her waist, you know are treading on thin ice, and the man who value his life will do some careful intellectual deception.
Rule Twenty: YOU MUST HAVE A CAR
Advice: Every true man need to have a car. Before marriage, it serves the important function of ferrying your girl. After she is firmly in your hands, and signed the damnation bonds, the car can be used to ferry other girls.
Of course, other than that, it is quite essential in providing that object of jealousy for your wife. Women have been known to treasure their men if they seem worthy, and any men who cant afford to split their love between the wives and something else, is deemed unworthy.
As a result of which, you need to name your car "Wife", or "Honey", or any sick and disgusting name your wife would like to hear it used on her. Shower it with affection and love, and very soon your wife will be vying for your attention with it. Strange creatures women are, but we shall come to understand them better in the future, hopefully.
Rule Twenty-One: SEWING IS FROWNED UPON
Advice: Men who sew are wimps, under no circumstances are you to take up thread and needle and mend your clothes yourself.
You dun see Arnold lugging a sewing case around when he was in the jungles shooting 'em machine guns. You rip your clothes off when it has a tear; you look more macho that way, trust me.
Rule Twenty-Two: TABOO WORDS: "I LOVE YOU"
Advice: Any man caught saying those three words will immediately be stripped of his membership, which could be pretty painful to say the least, and denounced publicly.
The reasons of the brotherhood are not always given, suffice to say it has been a long standing tradition, and anyone caught flouting the rule will be heavily disciplined. (However, the arms of the brotherhood though long, are usually not as sharp and venomous as your girlfriend's fingernails. Men under severe torture, or tough enticing, if you should submit under the "cajoling", make sure you do not get caught. What goes unnoticed, might go unpunished.)
On the other hand, it is quite obvious that whenever a man glance surreptitiously to the left and right before whispering into his girlfriend's ear, he is uttering the taboo words for fear of discovery by the Brotherhood. As such, this behavior can be considered as proper incriminating evidence on the same status as publicly announcing those three words.
Rule Twenty-Three: SNAG ENMITY
Advice: The brotherhood has openly declared warfare upon the secret organisation of SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guys). For this reason, all men are required to express a universal hatred for all SNAGs, self-proclaimed or otherwise.
It has been known to the upper echelons of the brotherhood that this other organisation is gaining popularity rapidly, the result of which our customers will increasingly expect all men to behave as SNAGs.
This behavior is intolerable, especially when it is coming from our trusted customers whom we have been serving ever since Eve herself. We never heard her complain, do we?
We, thus, need to put our foot down firmly before the situation gets out of hand, and declare to the world that men shall remain callous and uncouth for eternity, to show them we have the sole proprietary on deciding the direction of our male species.
Rule Twenty-Four: THE ART OF SPITTING
Advice: It has been a long established myth, which generate fair amount of envious behaviours and some swoonings, that men carry the art of spitting from birth.
The truth is, the art of spitting is taught, and without proper tutelage, none can master the art of graceful spitting.
Women have been observed to spit like a child, dribbling all over their lips as they do so, hence their professed disgust over men's skill at it, when in fact they are simply jealous.
The art of spitting, which takes some practice, will hence be imparted here.
1. You need some spit. If you cant generate any, or for the really avid fans who run out of spit after like, the hundredth tries, you may use something small like the seed of a watermelon.
2. Position the seed, or spit, between your front 2 teeth, with the tip of your tongue directly behind it, exactly as if you are holding it hostage.
3. Suck it dry. You dun want to look like some young girl spitting and dribbling at the same time. The worst you can do is to have a long string of saliva connecting your mouth all the way to the spit 2 feet away. Plain disgusting.
4. With the tonguetip firmly in place, direct a strong jet of air between the roof of the mouth and the flat of the tongue to the hind of the seed/spit, to provide that propulsion needed to send it on its way.
With this set of instructions, never shall men be said to be without proper upbringing. Remember, spit excessively everywhere you go, demonstrate your competence for the world to see. Make them die of envy.
Rule Twenty-Five: "CANT-S" VS "DISLIKES"
Advice: It has never been within the dictionary of the brotherhood of such word as "cant". Never say you cant do something, anything. Always say you dislike doing it.
If you cant drink, say you hate drinking. (though the brotherhood will hunt you down for it)
If you cant drive, say you dislike driving.
If you cant repair something, say it is too troublesome to do it, and you are refusing to do it on principles.
Admitting you are a wimp, shows you are a wimp. So never admit it, even on pains of death. The same goes for admitting mistakes: you are wrong only if the other party is wrong first.
Rule Twenty-Six: Secret Membership in SNAG
Advice: You need to hide your sacred book of SNAG away carefully, and never be let known of your secret membership in it.
The practices of SNAG, though openly frowned upon, must have some charms to them, and it is imperious we learn something from the cult.
Wait patiently for the next installment of SNAG.
Rule Twenty Seven: DANCING
Advice: Another of the must learn skills that any true blooded man should possess.
It is a well known fact that women love to dance, and to exploit this weakness of theirs, men are encouraged to pick up dancing. Of course, we are not talking about just any kind of dance. It has to be one that involves lots of twirling around, and I don't mean twirling your fingers dumbass.
Learn only those dances that require you to twirl your partner around, in as many circles as possible. The idea is to get them giddy and breathless, literally sweeping them off their feet.
Should, however you use this canon to go learn other kinds of dance that dont involve twirling, rest assured you will be branded as a traitor for life.
Rule Twenty Eight: Sitting postures
Advice: To be a real man, it is mandatory to adopt the appropriate etiquette expected of us. Of utmost importance is how you sit. Bear in mind that this should apply to all situations without exceptions.
The key point here is to spread your legs wide as far as they would go, when sitting (it really doesnt make sense to be talking about standing here). The reason, which should be pretty obvious, is that only people of high standing can afford to take up a lot of physical space, and hence by spreading your legs open, you are assuming and asserting an air of authority which simply bowls everyone over.
It doesnt matter if your legs are the short, bandy kind. Just open them wide. You will see people walking wide of you when you do that, trust me.
Rule Twenty Nine: Swagger
Advice: In close connexion with the previous canon, naturally this is regarding the way you walk, or carry yourself.
In obvious relation, you need to swagger when walking, and the reason is quite the same as before: people who can afford to swagger usually are people of high importance. At this point you might try to point out that our prominent political figures like LKY, Koizumi etc. clearly don't swagger.
However, we assure you that they didnt swagger only because they are camera-shy. We have it on the best of authority that they certainly swagger off-screen. Afterall, they too have their own copies of FRTBARMWAO. (Though we had to translate a japanese version for japan. Troublesome ah)
Rule Thirty: CUT YOUR NAILS
Advice: For goodness' sake, cut your damn nails. The nails are there for a purpose, and it is to be cut!
The reason for that, is long nails properly belong on women. Now this may sound sexist, and though we are admittedly sexists, this is not a sexist reason. It just doesnt have a purpose for men to sport long nails.
For the females, however, is an entirely different story. Other than naturally looking good on them, the nails have this additional function of raking men with. To be raked by a woman's nails is a kind of honor, you might say. We have a technical term for it, quite sophisticated sounding in fact: Honor scars. If you think the name sucks, we suggest you keep that to yourself.
For men to possess long nails, however, serves no similar purposes at all! Surely you didnt think women would appreciate being raked by you?! As far as the Brotherhood's intel goes, scarring a woman's skin is tantamount to committing suicide: a rather slow and excruciating death.
Rule Thirty One: RAISE YOUR ARMS
Advice: It is quite well known that women need to shave their armpits, as sanctioned by society. Men however have no such restrictions.
Hence, go forth and expose your armpits whenever the chance present itself. Show off 'em hairy armpits, make the girls envious. If you are in a bus, clutch at the overhead railings instead of the seat bars; if you are in a seminar room, raise your arms all the way when answering a question. Grab at any chance to show off your assets.
It might help if you are the sort that perspire a lot, for your armpits will have this self-regulating mechanism for catching attention. Anyone within miles will surely notice your luxuriant crop of armpit hairs, if it has the "right aroma".
If you don't have such luck to be born with it, we recommend using our special odorant, available at all major stores of the Brotherhood.
Rule Thirty Two: CARRYING OF UMBRELLA
Advice: A REAL man should not be seen dead with an umbrella in the rain, unless he is (1) sheltering a girl, or (2) beating some guy up with it.
Usage of umbrella is a public admittance of weakness, showing the world that the male genus could not even tolerate mere droplets of water.
Under no circumstances, even where there are no girls in sight, may the guy secretly take out his umbrella to (1)shelter himself, (2) shelter another guy, even if it is raining hailstones.
Should you die braving the hailstorms, whilst having an umbrella somewhere in your bag, rest assured that we will make a martyr out of you.
Don't be afraid to die.
Rule Thirty Three: PART TIME FIELD RESEARCHER
Advice: Now, you know very well that the Brotherhood is pretty tight on funds. We absolutely couldnt afford to hire professional researchers, at least not officially (some of our brothers are notoriously difficult to badger into doing free research on behalf on the Brotherhood, not where their livelihood is concerned).
Therefore, every able-bodied male is expected to perform the duty of field researcher, in addition to his primary role which is... erm... forget it. Consider it as some sort of patriotism towards the Brotherhood.
The only data the Brotherhood need is, naturally, about women. We need to know everything about them, the vital statistics, their heights, the colour of their eyes etc. Anything that you can think of, anything you can gather, we want them!
Hence, consider it your duty to ogle at girls. Try to do it discreetly please, else we might be accused of being uncouth again. But in any case, data gathering takes precedence over all else. If situation demands you to publicly ogle at a particularly fine specimen, do it.
For the Brotherhood, any damages to one's personal reputation should be worth it.
Rule Thirty Four: EATING MANNERISMS
Advice: It shouldnt come as a surprise by now what we are going to advise on the issue of how to eat.
It is a strange, but true fact that girls are absolutely captivated by how men eat. And the more disgustingly you eat, the more captivated they are.
Perhaps it has something to do with evolution: the cavemen presumably ate in a pretty disgusting manner back then. It is a freak accident that successful hunters get to eat more, and hence get to display their disgusting eating ways more often. Unfortunately, females who are attracted to successful hunters, are stuck with disgusting eaters for the rest of their lives.
Natural selection filtered out those females who couldnt stand married to disgusting eaters; they starved to death a long time back with the sissy-diners. Now we are left only with females who absolutely love males who eat noisily and messily.
A sad fact, but one which demands that we adapt ourselves to it. Henceforth, eat as we are expected to.
Rule Thirty Five: HAIR AND DRESSING
Advice: You absolutely need to assume that rugged look. It is no longer in fashion to comb your hair to the exact precision of the hairline, nor to wear a suit everywhere you go (if it were even ever in fashion in the past).
Your hair should always look like you got up in a rush in the morning, and given the barest of a comb before dashing out of the house, and subsequently being caught in a crosswind, then a police crossfire, and tussled by the escaping thugs, but still managed to look ruggedly dashing. Your clothes should be in an equally sloppy state, always seemingly on the point of falling off your back, but never actually doing so.
All this may take some masterful arranging, and it is advisable that you wake up quite early to get everything in place. It is an art to wear your hair like a mess, albeit a dashing mess, and the art requires quite some effort that simply couldnt be skimped on.
Rule Thirty Six: YOU NEED TO BE MAD
Advice: This is not quite the same as the previous rule, Rule Nine: CRISIS. We have a perfectly practical reason for requiring this rule.
It is known that girls expect us to assert contradictory stuff. If they ask you if you love them or not, you are expected to say yes, but they wouldnt believe you. If you say no, they wouldnt believe you either.
If they ask you whether they are fat, they will also demand that you do not lie to them, but to tell them they are really fat, is equal to committing suicide.
If you reply "yes, you are fat" you will surely die.
If you reply "no, you are not fat" it means you are lying to them, and you will die for that too.
Since we have to reply "yes" and "no" simultaneously, commonsense tells us that the girls expect us to be quite irrational. Therefore we must live up to their expectations.
to be continued....
Thursday, November 09, 2006
What's the point
As you cross your arms, hugging yourself to the cold, perhaps it's the rain outside, maybe it's the something you drink; that cold seeps through your shoes, invading your toes. It is as if you are frozen within a shell of yourself, a mere millimeters of ice crust, your fingers feel as though they are mildly wet, stiff and cold, your soul shivering within them, trying to escape from the cold. Where is the refuge to be sought in? As you dive in between your blankets, you realise that your blankets are cold, and to warm yourself, you have to warm the blankets first.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
exams and papers
I'm screwed. Its the exam by the end of this month, and all I have been doing is playing games. In the past, I always start preparations 1 week before the mid term break, and do conscientious revising throughout the whole semester; this sem, I did nothing of that sort. I barely kept up the minimum needed to follow through in class. Screwed screwed. I dont want to fail my first honours semester >.<
Deleted all my games, and hopefully I wouldnt come online. In the past, I used to set myself the time limit of away from computer at 10pm, now I think I have to not come online at all, to make up for the late, late start.
Deleted all my games, and hopefully I wouldnt come online. In the past, I used to set myself the time limit of away from computer at 10pm, now I think I have to not come online at all, to make up for the late, late start.
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