Carpe diem

I understood immediately when Redherring announced in the graduate room that he needed something more; I feel pretty much the same way. It was precisely the reason why I have taken up Karate, something to occupy my time other than endless gaming and sleeping.

Now, my life is, as anyone would affirm from a third-person viewpoint, constructively worthwhile: I run every Monday and Thursday, go for Karate every Tuesday and Friday, do my readings conscientiously on Wednesdays and on the weekends, game minimally, spend my free-time reading leisure books, wake up early enough each day to catch the morning rays, and sleep with the cool night breeze.

Yet, I feel bored. I may not have a lot time on my hands to actually feel much boredom, but the few hours that I do have, I feel it all too acutely. It is not as though I am bored with Karate or doing Philosophy, and the reason I was doing them in the first place is not to lose myself in them anyway; I still love doing what I have been doing, a lot. It is just that, it seems that I should have something more.

What more I could have, I don't really know. I don't have time for anything more as it is, caught between the limited number of hours in a day and physical fatigue from all the exercise.

I don't know what could possibly be that "something more" either. It is not as if being in a relationship right now will fill up that sense of inadequacy, neither would finding some new activity do the trick. I thought of taking up archery, or going for more trekking, but that seems to me just more activities to pass the time; I would enjoy them, for sure, but I don't think either would give me a sense of being "filled".

Passing the time, in anticipation of what? It seems that the whole of human life is just that--passing the time in wait of something we don't really know. Perhaps we are all passing the time before we die. That seems to be the only thing in common for all mankind. We dig our heads into the soil, pretending to be busily caught up with what we are doing at the moment, pretending we did not see the inevitable end of the road. Carpe diem; seize the day, for there certainly is no future.

Maybe what I need is a sense of purpose. Not a purpose, mind, but a sense of purpose. For what can a purpose do? Suppose I have the purpose to save the world, what would that amount to? The world has to be worth saving in the first place. And I have to identify with the purpose; it is no good to tell me that God has dictated that I have to save the world someday; I would just be an unwillingly worker dragged along to save the world if I can't identify with the purpose at all.

And if God dictate that my purpose in life is to be food for some tiger? I can't identify with that anymore than I can identify with a purpose to be a social benefit, not unless I have the particular sense of purpose already.

Well maybe I should have a sense of purpose to be a social benefit, or at least, I should cultivate this sense of purpose. I don't see why, but mostly, I don't see how I can go about doing so. Either I have it, or I don't. Moreover, I don't see how being a social benefit would fill up my life, in the sense that it would motivate me positively.

Some would say, well yea, it is more important that you be a social benefit than how you feel; in other words, I should place priority in making myself useful than making myself happy.

I don't know, that seems to me to be straying from my original intent in making this post: I am not talking about what ought to motivate me, but merely making an observation, and a long-winded complaint, that nothing motivates me much.

Maybe I should take up social service, regardless if that makes me happy or not, but that seems to be a digression on the issue that I am bored. Taking up social service may be good, I may even consider it, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I am bored, and we are back to square one again.

It would be interesting if the Cataclysm happens any time soon.